Duce

Your inbox wouldn't allow my message so ill post it Here. Btw great explanations of what you needed, that helps ten fold.
Haha I think I can have fun with this topic dawg
This is what I have so far (only been writing for 45 mins so obviously a lot of work an editing still to go)
But Wachu think? Right or wrong direction?

And same with anyone else. It's supposed to be a piece base on being a major league rapper.
Feedback on the side of ADVICE needed!

This is major league rappin - where we tear more like gattlins...
don't waver when crafting nor wear glare for masking (/or *'off glasses')
We attack fast - with action...
...like a fire dragon.
And grasp vast passion like it were iron cladding.
Might grapple shackles sagging from rabbles amassing...
Nagging, - cuz we're tactful in rations (*'these *******s are...) that they're lacking.
We're not bashful, we tackle - and we know what we're tackling...
The ladder to fame... - ...while you dare lay a sapling...
We're mackin,
and the rapping system... - ...we're hacking.
Hacks drag-string words lagging, most of them snagging...
So damn absurd - verses disservice the crafting.
We write furtively mapping - so assertively 'slapping'.

We've exponential talent to balance ~ 'graphing' -
meanwhile we soar over ballads like waxwings.
Elegantly lavish in habits like fashion -
In style, we 'forge' static 'reactants' like backswings..

Originally Posted by smoothtung

Your inbox wouldn't allow my message so ill post it Here. Btw great explanations of what you needed, that helps ten fold.
Haha I think I can have fun with this topic dawg
This is what I have so far (only been writing for 45 mins so obviously a lot of work an editing still to go)
But Wachu think? Right or wrong direction?

And same with anyone else. It's supposed to be a piece base on being a major league rapper.
Feedback on the side of ADVICE needed!

This is major league rappin - where we tear more like gattlins...
don't waver when crafting nor wear glare for masking (/or *'off glasses')
We attack fast - with action...
...like a fire dragon.
And grasp vast passion like it were iron cladding.
Might grapple shackles sagging from rabbles amassing...
Nagging, - cuz we're tactful in rations (*'these *******s are...) that they're lacking.
We're not bashful, we tackle - and we know what we're tackling...
The ladder to fame... - ...while you dare lay a sapling...
We're mackin,
and the rapping system... - ...we're hacking.
Hacks drag-string words lagging, most of them snagging...
So damn absurd - verses disservice the crafting.
We write furtively mapping - so assertively 'slapping'.

We've exponential talent to balance ~ 'graphing' -
meanwhile we soar over ballads like waxwings.
Elegantly lavish in habits like fashion -
In style, we 'forge' static 'reactants' like backswings..

ok...yes...I like mos def for the lyrical aspect that i want to push accross, so thats a savor. On the other hand, what I'm aiming for is more a westCoast style to the max. wescoast punchlines, westcoast lyrical fancy. So just go off that when u do the rest of the other verses. Also, when you say
"We attack fast - with action...
...like a fire dragon."
I think it would sound fresher being said like this...
"We attack fast - with action...
...like gat's blastin."

good stuff tho smooth....

Ok I get that, we got different writing styles but I can diverge.
I won't start the second verse til I get this one perfect so I changed some punching to a more 'west coast' style,
And it sounds better I feel, but let me know what to change on this one and how you feel. (Changes made between asterisks)

This is major league rappin - where we tear more like gattlins...
**don't waver nor act things, therefore we stack things...
We attack fast - with clever passion...
...like gats blasting.
And rapture a n*gg@s padding like a lever action. ***
Might grapple shackles sagging from rabbles amassing...
Nagging, - cuz were tactful in rations that they're lacking.
We're not bashful, we tackle - and we know what we're tackling...
The ladder to fame... - ...while you dare lay a sapling...
We're mackin,
and the rapping system... - ...we're hacking.
Hacks drag-string words with most of them snagging...
So damn absurd - verses disservice crafting.
We write furtively mapping - so assertively 'slapping'.

We've exponential potential talent ~ 'graphing'
In style, we soar over ballads like waxwings.
Elegantly lavish in habits like latin,
***Meanwhile youve burnt out - but f*ck, we're crackling.***