Still working on this - just wanted to see any initial reactions. I was thinking it would be a folky "The Weepies" kind of song.

Just for background information - this is about meeting someone amazing only to find out that they are very sick and have decided they can't see or talk to you anymore because of it.

V 1

Met on a hazy Wednesday night in December
Drinking, dancing, you're the one thing I remember
Made fun of my laugh and my juvenile book tastes
and soon enough, you had asked me on a dinner date

V 2

I said I love to sing, you said prove it to me
Against my will, you dragged me to karaoke
So terrified, you said "Come on, push your boundaries"
You refused to accept my insecurities


Chorus

I know it sounds cliche
but I would have held your hand
I would have stayed

V 3

We had some drinks and we roamed the streets of DC
That was when you first put your arm around me
I smiled and sighed
It felt so easy.

V 5

After driving myself crazy, soon I realized
When I found out your secret, all I did was sit and cry
Wish I could defeat what is eating you from inside.

V 6

I waited patiently for you to tell me
But instead you asked me on date number three
Went to the playground, I watched you do flips
We dove down the slide and you kissed me on the wood chips.

Chorus

I know it sounds cliche
but I would have held your hand
I would have stayed


V 7

On the walk home, I made you stop and look at puppies
You called me a dork and you kissed me on the cheek
Wish I had known these were the last words that we would speak.

V 8

I tried to visit, but you couldn't help push me away
You refused to let me see you that way
The hardest part is having no idea if you're okay
I hope you're happy and that I see you again some day

Chorus

I know it sounds cliche
but I would have held your hand
I would have stayed

Sorry to bump this - but any sort of advice would be really appreciated!

I have no advice,other than this paints a picture,and that's what a successful song does.When you've got "only words"at your disposal,and you can bring the reader right along on your date,dude dats what I call songwriting!I've had women who,until I started to care for,weren't what they appeared.As soon as they got their hook in,they revealed a side that wasn't very pretty.I'm simpathedic with the situation above.Check out some of my Song Lyrics to see what I mean.Honesty and Never Say Never are two prime examples of loving a girl who turns out to be something they're not.Almost a split personality.Also see Cruel Intentions.Doug

Thanks so much! I'll go check those out now. Look forward to reading them

aniers: Doug said it well--"this paints a picture,and that's what a successful song does.When you've got "only words"at your disposal,and you can bring the reader right along on your date,dude dats what I call songwriting!" Yes! And this is a different kind of love song that really hooked me.

The story-song is serious; only one thing interrupts the flow of that: "We dove down the slide and you kissed me on the wood chips."

* "you kissed me as we landed on the wood chips," would continue the flow. Maybe that's too long, though--?
* "you kissed me on the lips" which would be more expected, so you might not like that!
* "We dove down the slide and fell together on the wood chips."

These are just some ideas to keep the song going without any break in the great mood you set. With your creativity, you can come up with something better than I could; it's also understandable if you prefer the lyrics "as is"! (Such a minor thing considering what a good song!)

Frankie;
Even you would have to admit that "wood chip"line was unique!When I read it,I had to go back to make sure I read it right!That's also why I found this so good,when you can both "feel and smell"what you read.......it don't get no better than that!

You know, Doug Denslowe Defo the Daring Delightful Seasoned Songwriter, you're right about "wood chips" feeling and smelling good! Therefore, I withdraw my ordinary, elementary suggestion:

"You kissed me on the lips." BORING!

DEAR ANIERS: "Wood chips" defo needs to stay in!

Originally Posted by Frankie Jasmine

You know, Doug Denslowe Defo the Daring Delightful Seasoned Songwriter, you're right about "wood chips" feeling and smelling good! Therefore, I withdraw my ordinary, elementary suggestion:

"You kissed me on the lips." BORING!

DEAR ANIERS: "Wood chips" defo needs to stay in!

Then where's my "Like"?!?!

Thank You!!!!!

Thank you both so much for your feedback!! I definitely do want to keep the wood chips in, but I see what you mean about it breaking the flow a bit... I'll play around with some other wording. I'm so glad you guys like it.

We do like it, aniers! Otherwise we would not be commenting!! You can trust that.