In Dino's Shack
a cigarettes walk
from the station
she sits by the jukebox
while he makes a choice
he chooses tom waits
"this one's from the heart"
then he sits down to coffee
and waits for his song to start

its rainin' hard outside
and the coffee shops fillin' up
they say nothing for a moment
they know their breaking up

she looks up from the table
and he sees the past in her eyes
she tries to speak
but she just starts to cry

finding nothing to say
he takes is jacket and leaves
but drops a note on the table
and then takes to the streets
he stops by the window
to watch her read the note
and tear falls from his eye
as he lets her heart go

I'm open to all criticism, say what you like or dislike it
and I need advice what to write next

Good stuff. I like where this takes you (the reader), and the pace that it takes you there. You can see the images play out while you read it, or at least I could. It's simple and to the point, but at the same time feels very inspired, with true emotion and/or experience. As far as what to write next, well, that depends on the message you want to send to the audience. Is it a tragic love story? Or is it a story about moving on? Are they sad for eachothers' losses, or are they thankful for the experience? 'sup to you...

Hi there, I think that those lyrics are really good very clean and open, they're very honest lyrics, really well written with clear imagery letting you feel for both of the people within the song and see the events unfold, I honestly don't know how you follow that up, maybe look at where he is then going to having done that, it depends on which of your characters you want to place the main focus on while it seems like its the male it could also well be the female, it depends on which eyes you're wanting to look at it from. Sorry I've probably been no use, thats just my opinion. Otherwise fantastic lyrics!