This is all i have so far, I just wrote it. I don't know whether or not to proceed.
Feel the breeze, i'm in so deep.
It's you and me tonight
Lets break the rules tonight
I don't want the sun to rise
and I don't want to sleep
This is all i have so far, I just wrote it. I don't know whether or not to proceed.
Feel the breeze, i'm in so deep.
It's you and me tonight
Lets break the rules tonight
I don't want the sun to rise
and I don't want to sleep
Please Give Me Some Feed Back!!!!![]()
like your thread header says and you already suspect yourself, it is a little too cheesy in my opinion
try to lose that "Lets break the rules tonight" part...
it's not cheesy to me but the chorus look more of a verse then a chorus itself
Damning Reficul: Song is like singing from the light whilst the emotions can be so raw from the darkness.
Feel the breeze, i'm in so deep.
It's you and me tonight
Lets break the rules tonight
I don't want the sun to rise
and I don't want to sleep
I like it, and yeah it could be seen as "cheesy" but that sells and doesn't offend everyone. I would try to do more with "I don't want the sun to rise and I dont want to sleep", seems there could be more.
Again, I don't write poetry or lyrics, so take my input for what it is worth. I can't do what you do, I only know what I like.
612chris
ayo check this.....
instead of in "so" deep, try "too" deep.
feel the breeze......i'm in too deep
it's just you and me......i'm in too deep
Lets break the rules tonight (drag out the tonight)
I don't want the sun to rise (drag out the rise)
I can't even sleep at tonight(drag out the "night" in tonight)
cause I'm in too DEEP.
-just "my" flavor, but you structure it how you "FEEL It"
-Restoration in your EARDRUM
nice flow Restoration ^^ I just hear a song out that lol
Damning Reficul: Song is like singing from the light whilst the emotions can be so raw from the darkness.
Thank you so much! That helps a lot. i'm a vocal major at Berklee and im trying my hand at writing too so i'm not just "the singer". This was my first attempt so thank you for the feedback!
nice, I'm also a singer and in a band called "Serenity of Fire" it have well-balance songs though.
Damning Reficul: Song is like singing from the light whilst the emotions can be so raw from the darkness.