Working on a song... need comments

Allright here's a quick song I wrote. Not finished yet, but tell me what you think.




Life is a.. *****!!!
kicks us in the side
cooks us all alive

KILLS US ALL!
kicks us in the ***
ruin us so fast

Well I guess that's the way it has to be
Sitting in your room with your agony
well I have something to say
so put down the tissues you whiny *****!

yeah I guess sadness is a part of life
if there was none.. then joy wouldn't seem all that great
if there was no loss, we wouldn't treasure what we have
If anger was lost, we'd never know true kindness
In life there's a duality which must be maintained
And that is the source of all our pain
and the cause of our greif
yet it gives us hope, joy, and love


So put down knife and live it out
before I cut you myself
Pull up your head and don pout
or I'll give you somethin to cry about!


Sitting in your room,
Cryin up a storm
Is this what you want to do?

Live up your life down get in the bog
When that ***** gives your problems...
SPIT THEM BACK IN HER FACE!


So put down knife and live it out
before I cut you myself
Pull up your head and don pout
or I'll give you somethin to cry about!

Erm...... they're ok but they sound a little bit like you're trying too hard to be macho yet contradicting at the same time...


If you're tellin someone not to whine, why are you sayin that life is ****?
Surely that's you whining also?

Personally, notsonice language doesn't work well in songs. Especially the type you're using. But, um very um interesting. Maybe try a love song or depressing songs. You might do better on that. just a tip. You don't have to take it.

You are charming...

In case you failed to realise, this thread has nothing to do with your strange lyrics. This is attempting to help another member in case your insolence managed to conclude otherwise. Now go and post your lyrics (or maybe it's plagiarism) somewhere else please.

Now to business; get rid of the swears. Swears kill a song. Straighten it out a bit so there is an obvious flow to the song. (Rhyme does that best). Hope I was help. Yours truly, not a nob.

Originally Posted by Rabbitdrive

You are charming...

In case you failed to realise, this thread has nothing to do with your strange lyrics. This is attempting to help another member in case your insolence managed to conclude otherwise. Now go and post your lyrics (or maybe it's plagiarism) somewhere else please.

Now to business; get rid of the swears. Swears kill a song. Straighten it out a bit so there is an obvious flow to the song. (Rhyme does that best). Hope I was help. Yours truly, not a nob.

I couldn't have said it better myself!