"When she leaves this time" (Updated)

Hi Everyone

Here is an updated version

Thanks

Steve Altonian



“When she leaves this time”



One last final walk through the house
Her purse and suitcase lay on the couch
She takes a deep breath and turns off her cell phone
Thoughts of failure flow through her head
This is the day she knew she’d always dread
Stepping out into the great unknown

As she pulls her car into the street
She slips the ring off her finger and starts to pick up speed

(CHORUS):
“When she leaves this time”
She won't be looking back no more
A young dove in flight
Spreading out her wings to soar
And she won't be there when he gets home tonight
And she won’t change her mind like she’s done a hundred other times
“When she leaves this time”
“When she leaves this time”

Cruising down the coast on Highway 101
She puts the top down and soaks up the sun
Feeling stronger every mile she goes
The ocean breeze blows away her fears
Before she knows it, it’s dried every tear
Therein lies the magic of the open road

As the sun’s setting into the sea
She begins to remember what it’s like to be free

(CHORUS):
“When she leaves this time”
She won't be looking back no more
A young bird in flight
Spreading out her wings to soar
And she won't be there when he gets home tonight
And she won’t change her mind like she’s done a hundred other times
“When she leaves this time”

(MUSICAL BRIDGE)

(FINAL CHORUS):
“When she leaves this time”
He’ll find a purple note on the door
Baby we tried
I slid the key under the door
You see I won’t be there when you get home tonight
And I won’t change my mind like I’ve done a hundred other times
“When I leave this time”
“When I leave this time”


© 2008 Steve Altonian

I like it. Much better version overall.

Your first verse does a great job of setting up the scene and catching the reader's/listener's interest. I am 'drawn in' and can picture it all!

But I think you need to make a tough decision. Your title "When she leaves this time" is a nice 'hook' and works well as she is standing in the home and ABOUT TO grasp the doorknob. But once she passes through the door with all her stuff and slides the note and key under that door. It is DONE. She left. It is now technically PAST tense. Saying "When she leaves" (and later in the note "When I leave") leads us to anticipate that it has NOT yet happened but is going to happen in the future.

I believe you need to make a choice:

1) Keep the title and chorus line "When she leaves..." but DON'T let her out that door. Leave us hanging there in PRESENT tense as she stands there...then leading to FUTURE tense by letting her (and all of us) visualize how she's GOING to be feeling that freedom and closure traveling down the highway with the wind in her hair. Because this time it is for real and there is no looking back "When she leaves this time". Decide up front if you intend us to feel she might change her mind (tension) or there is no doubt she is leaving forever (resolved).

or

2)Change the chorus/title line from "When she" to something that works for the past tense because now she is heading down the road and it has happened, she LEFT...PAST tense.

One other suggestion: By reminding us of her past 'track record', we won't take her leaving as serious if that is your intent. The fact that she has changed her mind "a hundred other times" before might be best used ONE time at the opening rather than using it in each chorus. This might better establish that THIS time is different and to take her seriously.

I hope this helps. I think you have a good thing going here! Keep working one it.