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you did a nice job there

thank you very much my friend..!

your welcome

The rhyming in the verses sound bit corny but otherwise it's ok.

i have completed it now is this better or its too much?

rise from these lies like a bolt through the skies
feeling numb from the crumb of this full poisoned plum

dont you fall, dont you crawl rise in heaven hear your call
silence you hear nobody`s here stop feeling lonely, stop your fear

you changed the wrong bits.

Originally Posted by Ultimate_Worrier

you changed the wrong bits.

accually its like this..

rise, from these lies, like a bolt through the skies
feeling numb, from the crumb, of this full poisoned plum

dont you fall, dont you crawl, rise in heaven hear your call
silence you hear, nobody`s here, stop feeling lonely, stop your fear


in every rhyme its a little pause so it goes perfectly with a song..

I had a good idea how the song went and I still feel the same way.


If it went "rise... from these lies... like a bolt... from the skies"

it'd scan better than no pause between bolt and "from the"

hmm.. this is also a great idea i will remake and see which is better..thanx for the advice worrier..

Call me Luke, I'm getting fed up of this name now.