My first song!!!!! Please help me with some tips!!!

Here is my first song ever!!!!
Please read it and give me some tips...
I think I'm still missing something here...
hmmmmmm.......

.................................................. .

You never said to me the things you said to him
And I never said to you the things I said to her
I am trying to see you in her, but can’t find anything
She just could never be as good as you

When that day we stop talking to each other
I stop thinking the world is full of people

A promise made a thousand lies
I don’t know how many goodbyes had I said

I thought if I pay enough time to wait
Everything would change
When it isn’t actually that simple

God, can’t it just be miracle?
That when I open the door you would be there
To give me a heart to love you

Why don’t we make this town a tourist site?
And revisit the place we held together in our memories

Though many only in fantasy
And not reality

Though with a smile of friendship
And not with love

There are only so many tomorrows
Remember to expect miracle

That when I open the door you would be there
To give me a heart to love you

That when I open the door you would be there
To give me a heart to love you
.................................................. ................

pretty good! you need to break it into a definite chorus and need to use more metaphors so it won't be too literal. there is a definite story which is good.
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It's a good song for a first-time...The first verse is kind of messed up, because you are using "her" and "him" too often. Maybe you should rewrite it because the idea behind the verse is good, but the way you expressed it could have been more interesting.
I agree with thj625 that you have to work on a song structure, like verse-chorus-bridge-chorus or something like that, although you can also repeat one verse in the end. to make it more melodic, like you tried to do with "To give me a heart to love her/you"...
But again, there are a few good verses out there( I liked the "There are two many tomorrows" part) and I see some potential here ...Good luck with writing other songs!

wowowowowwowow....
i am putting my thinking cap back on!!!

Thanks for the tips!!! Next song is on the way...
And i'll see your lyrics too thj625!!!

Well, for a first draft on your first try it's a great effort. You have some good ideas but in some places just aren't sure about how to best present them.

This is your chorus because it sums everything up:


God, can’t it just be miracle?
That when I open the door you would be there
To give me a heart to love you

You should repeat your chorus at least 3 times, usually after the first couple verses and after a bridge section if you have one. Sometimes it's good to double up the chorus at the end if the song isn't real long.

Most choruses have four lines, some eight so I'd add a line like:

God, can’t it just be miracle?
That when I open the door you would be there
To give me a heart to love you
Amd show you how much I care

My added line is a little lame but that's just to give you a direction to run. I say it's lame because it's an overused cliche and really, your second line is as well.

I'd advise reading:

What is Alliteration and How Can it Improve Your Songs?

and

Creating an Amazing Lyric in Spite of a Not So Clever Title!

at http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Bill_E_Watson

and that will give you some tools to use on your rewrite.

Timbo

I wish a guy would actually write a song for me{I'm always dreaming, ignore me}
Anyway the lyrics are great