First time Writing. I need some feedback

Thread: First time Writing. I need some feedback

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  1. Doser said:

    Default First time Writing. I need some feedback

    Its the first thing ive written i just wanna know if its any good

    Life as we know it Has a spine of its own,
    Ready to fight you when your all alone,
    Deliberately drop you when you try to move on,
    Just tear its ****en spine out don't die out like Braun(hitlers wife)
    There's far more out there then you see through your eyes,
    So put on my goggles so you see whos in disguise,
    Lurking in the shadows just waiting for you,
    Approaching the right moment to leave your perspective in skew,
    That's what you thought would always keep you sane,
    Now all you feel is pain but forget about it its all in your brain,
    Life is more than looking down at your stains,
    Look deep enough you'll see not even a machete can cut through your veins

    Im not done with it yet but thats what i got so far
  2. SkylarNicole said:

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    Thats ace! I can see it as a rap... the lyrics sound very alice cooper style tho, I would know because I'm totally obssessed with him! If you research some of his lyrics you'll see what I mean . 'Hey Stoopid' it's got that kinda feel to it I'd think, or a kind of Dappy/Eminem feel rap. There's different ways you could guess this to sound. How would you want it to sound? That's what you've got to right it as, your style of writing and how you would want your lyrics to be heard. Is it a pop song? Is it a rock song? Is it a rap? Your writing is very good The rhyming and the lyrics, there's meaning behidn it too Keep it up! Would love to see the whole song when you've finished!! Its ace seeing different writing styles and people's themes for songs. I'm hugely alice cooper influenced so I'm more rock/nightmare/rock ballad etc , some people are pop, rnb, hip hip, rap etc, if you know what style you are it's soo easy to write in it Amazing lyrics! xx
    I laugh to myself at the men and the ladies who never conceived us billion dollar babies
  3. Doser said:

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    Yeah its a rap. I made it to the beat of "unknown prophets-never." The style I want is something that would make people think and ofcourse have meaning behind. I guess something everyone goes through. And thanks For the feedback i greatly appreciate it. Ill put up the whole song when Im done.
  4. Bear Steen said:

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    i like it, feels hostile
  5. SK'nDeep's Avatar

    SK'nDeep said:

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    Doser....Pretty deep man...Life is a tough subject we all have to fight through...this relates in many diffrent ways with me...good job so far...BTW if you get a chance check out my stuff....
    Peace Love Empathy

    Sk'nDeep
  6. smoothtung's Avatar

    smoothtung said:

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    You got real nice flow and slapping syllobols there. I'd like to see the rest of it...
    My experience is the further you go into a.flow you just catch a groove and everything starts to match wit eachother