Haiku

I am a nut when it comes to syllables They pester me Let me try a 3-5-3 here:


shameless sun
desertflowers sigh
endlessly

taking a deep breath and trying a 3- 6 -3



willows weep
mourning sounds fail to halt
bitter loss

Engine you
motoring my train
into blue

I like the message Rhyming is one of those things haiku writers traditionally try to avoid, as are many other poetic devices such as alliteration. Nevertheless, they have occasionally been used to great effect by well-known authors. The key probably is 'occasionally', or even 'rarely'.

Thanks for joining the thread, Moon! Looking forward to more!

Excellent, amaryn May I suggest a more vivid juxtaposing of the two main ideas, more contrast? Your first haiku achieves this better than your second IMHO.

To continue the thread, this time with a 3-7-5 and a pinch of alliteration:

evergreen
hopes of lavender lilies
in the frost also

See what I can do, O.I. Have to get some energy: eating first

toddlers sob
when bears retreat to rest
prolonged frost

anger screams at me
like a god it kills and kills
now I am reborn

not sure if these syllables are right though!!

Tomatomic--Welcome!! Your syllables are great--the traditional English 5 - 7 - 5 syllabic form!

WELCOME--Tomatomic, Moon, Amaryn!!! All of your practice or fun or serious haiku are welcome here!! We're practicing too!

If you want to, you may join a game that OrchestraInside started--that is, taking the last line of the previous haiku/senryu, to begin your own. Then the next person takes your ending to start his/her haiku. If playing this game, PLEASE PUT YOUR THIRD LINE WORDS IN BOLD, so we can easily continue with the game.

However, your own personal haiku are welcomed with open arms and hearts . . . so please submit all of those too!! Any questions, just speak up.

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Continuing with the game:

In the frost also
Rests the promised blooms of spring
Urging to burst forth

anger screams at me
like a god it kills and kills
now I am reborn

A very nice 5-7-5 as Frankie said. Nice and strong!

Urging to burst forth
Phoenixes in human flesh
slumber on

Slumber on
Amber glowing harvest moon
Lighting dark paths

Lighting dark paths
love meanders through the soul
whispers in the light

Originally Posted by OrchestraInside

Urging to burst forth
Phoenixes in human flesh
slumber on

Dear OI: This may not have been your intended meaning . . . however, your senryu makes me think of the fallen children at Sandy Hook. It's difficult for us to escape the impact of this tragedy.

Whispers in the light
Signal intimate moves when
Darkness overcomes

_ _ _ _ _

QUESTIONS:

Lines 1 and 3 have 5-syllables each, yet visually line 3 is longer. I seem to recall it's desireable that the 3rd line be "less than" the previous lines. Any comments on this topic?

Also, how could I have ended this senryu with a more "flexible" ending (yet similar meaning)? That is what I am going to be working on next--more flexibility in the third line for the sake of this game, especially.

No, it was not, but I am glad it speaks to you.

Darkness overcomes
naked, we must swim through rivers dark
rays of sun await

Rays of sun await
dusk woven with simple cheer
seamless golden streams

Seamless golden streams
wash upon a timeless shore
ready for harvest

Wow! Beautiful, Noor!

Seamless golden streams
Converging in the river
Closing of the day

Edit: Whoops! Our haiku overlapped. What to do now?

Lines 1 and 3 have 5-syllables each, yet visually line 3 is longer. I seem to recall it's desireable that the 3rd line be "less than" the previous lines. Any comments on this topic?

I don't think it's a biggie as long as you don't make a habit out of it.

Also, how could I have ended this senryu with a more "flexible" ending (yet similar meaning)? That is what I am going to be working on next--more flexibility in the third line for the sake of this game, especially.

There is a myriad of possibilities... 'Overcome me, dark', 'Darkness upon us' - remember, often you don't need to use a verb at all, which is rather particular for haikus, and opens up many possibilities.

Ready for harvest
standing high, a golden bed
wispy windswept stalks