Ok, so i'm just starting to write my own raps. This is the first verse i wrote yesterday so i'm wondering what you think. It is telling a story which will go through to the next verses and i know my vocab and use of metaphors prob aren't tht good but constructive criticism pls! Anything 'bout it would be good.
I'm dreaming
I walk in a wonderland of wishes so appealing
Wads of cash from the floor to the ceiling
I can't resist a world that good - it leaves me thinking
'Cos i wake up to a world that just stays the same
Into a situation I know will never change
And mortgage repayments I continually rearrange
Credit Card overdrafts so large i'll leave the recession amazed
I need a loophole i haven't already exhausted
One of those tv adds that say they can solve it
To stop my life continually revolving
I'll need exceptional skills in real life problem solving
Pity my Maths has never been that good
I never tried to achieve the best i could
But now i move on like everyone knew i should
I trot off into the sunset, i set off on foot...
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1st unfinished rap verse
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I like it
Considering its your first time its actually pretty good. I particularly like this line "One of those tv adds that say they can solve it"
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Thank you
. I hope for more reviews and i will write the second verse soon
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This is what i've managed to come up with for the second verse. It carries the story on a bit more and i'm wondering how the rhymes and stuff compare again with the first verse and any improvements are appreciated.
I reach the station
And buy a train to obtain a destination
I rejoice with elation
I'm on the road to my glorious occasion,
So now i'm starting off on my journey
I'll follow my dream
That's all will concern me
Focused like a laser beam and making it a certainty
No force on Earth will be able to deter me,
I step on to the train with my baggage in hand
And a driving force inside me nothing understands,
A will to go forward, the power of fire
C'mon test me, you know i'm no liar
I'm gonna get finer and conquer the entire
World, with the strength of my rhythm
Embarking into the sunset to follow my vision... -
for your first time on this its really good
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If this is really the first time, well done !
I'm very critical, so here I go:
- I think you should edit the first part of the first verse because it doesn't flow. It tells a good story, but it doesn't flow:
"I'm dreaming
I walk in a wonderland of wishes so appealing
Wads of cash from the floor to the ceiling
I can't resist a world that good - it leaves me thinking"
The rest of the rhyme is very good actually, I have some remarks though, but they're not important enough to mention anyway.
- The second verse needs a lot of editing, if you ask me. You have to make sure that when you come up with a good first verse, the second should be atleast as good, otherwise it's not as interesting to read. I'm not going to edit your rhyme, if you can write verses like the first one, it shouldn't be a problem coming up with a second one like that. There are some good parts in the second one though. I like this, for instance:
"C'mon test me, you know i'm no liar
I'm gonna get finer and conquer the entire
World, with the strength of my rhythm
Embarking into the sunset to follow my vision..."
But hey, good job for a first time !1 <3 -
Thanks! That is really helpful and i already felt my second verse was a bit weaker and i will be working on it. And it is definitely my first time writing! Identifying the strong/weak parts is a real help. I do now have a third verse and it is a bit different with a few more attemps at different things so i'd like to see what you think.
I contemplate
As the trees go rushing past my face
'Cos in my mind I state the different pathways, just in case
Things didn't go to plan the day i ran
'Cos back then i couldn't differentiate
Between the fate of my attempt at fame
And the rational attempt to claw back again and claim
Myself from the brink of disaster
Transport to the paradise of a lighter pasture
'Cos that's what i'm deserving
Of a life of learning and yearning
And continually returning, to the same old space
And the same old days but
As now i begin the race, to create a path i would rather retrace after travelling
Through verses of disparity
To finally reach the clearness and clarity...
I will also edit my previous verses and try to post an updated, better version and i would try to come up with a chorus but i realised i'm not too good at that, or at least my choruses don't seem right at all. -
Ok, so this is a redo of my first verse, i think i have improved my second verse but only i still need to do 2 lines. For the new start of my first verse someones critical opinion would be good. Be very critical of this if you want, i can accept the criticism.
(verse 1)
A life of dreaming,
Paradise within a life consumed by feelings,
A tale of cause effect and regret put behind me
That just makes me contemplate of finally leaving,
'Cos i wake up to a world that just stays the same
Into a situation i know will never change
And mortgage repayments I continually rearrange
Credit Card overdrafts so large I'll leave the recession amazed
I need a loophole i haven't already exhausted
One of those tv ads that say they can solve it
To stop my life continually revolving
I'll need exceptional skills in real life problem solving
Pity my maths has never been that good
I never tried hard to achieve the best i could
But now i move on like everyone knew i should
I trot off into the sunset, i set off on foot...Last edited by Jfam; 11-19-2010 at 12:44 AM.
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After further editing i now have a hopefully finished set of verses so see what you think. Also, any chorus ideas would be good - a sung one, not a rapped one though 'cos i really don't feel any choruses i have tried to write for this aren't any good. Be critical if you review please, any slight errors found are things i can fix and not repeat over and over!
(verse 1)
I wake up from a night of constantly dreaming
A break up of the emotions i'm really feeling
Bouncing off my explosions of further hating
Stating the life I would rather be leading
'Cos i wake up to a world that just stays the same
Into a situation i know will never change
And mortgage repayments I continually rearrange
Credit Card overdrafts so large I'll leave the recession amazed
I need a loophole i haven't already exhausted
One of those tv ads that say they can solve it
To stop my life continually revolving
I'll need exceptional skills in real life problem solving
Pity my maths has never been that good
I never tried hard to achieve the best i could
But now i move on like everyone knew i should
I trot off into the sunset, i set off on foot...
(verse 2)
I feel relief, as i reach the station
And buy a train to obtain a destination
To give myself a place to aim
And a target for the cars, cash and fame, to remove my pain,
And to begin I start off on my way today
My aim to sing to hundreds on a bigger stage
And i won't let nobody get in my way
Or step off long enough to let others amaze,
And today i begin the task to overtake
A hundred others I compete with in this race
Past the array of future Eminems to take
My place in the charts so people recognise my face,
At last the train pulls away i'm thinking
About the memories of my past and endless drinking
And I know then i've made the right decision
By embarking into the sunset to follow my vision...
(verse 3)
As I ponder over the events of today
I think about how my life could be as the trees go rushing past my face
I state the ways i'd take
If the grand plan blew over or fell out of place,
Back then I couldn't see the future or further state
The backbone of my life laid out on a plate
A mixture of the things I could further create
Or whether the dream would arrive early or late,
And as the train slows down the doubts begin to fade
My brain lights up to the gain so long delayed
The vision that for such a while I had prayed
Had come true on this heavenly mid-summers day,
And if i ever wanted to return to my old endangered place
I'd hope fame had not affected the way i behave
And not even a trace
Of my past life upon my ever changing face... -
Originally Posted by Jfam
As you can see, I don't have a lot of remarks, so it must be good. The red parts I'd delete or atleast edit. The blue parts are actually good but I think you're being too humble, u know. 'My aim is to sing to 100's etc." In the next line you say u want ur place in the charts, so don't be rappin' about 100 people, do it big like the rest of your rhyme.
You definitely understood what I was saying in my first comment, and I really like the changes you've made. The third part is the best part according to me, and that's how you should end, with the best part. Well done.1 <3 -
I get the bit about the hundreds, but i did do it 'cos the original bit didn't flow as well so i'll find a way to incorporate a change to keep it "going big". The red lines shall be changed
and the rhyme definitely felt better to rap than the originals. I didn't realise how bad the original verse 2 and 3 were compared to now until i saw them with fresh eyes. I did put a LOT of effort into editing this trying to make it flow. I must have spent hours editing. Thanks for the comments.
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I'm glad you feel like it felt better to rap than the originals, when I read it, I automatically had a flow in mind, and that only happens when lyrics are good.
So each time I felt like my flow was cut off, I added some red colors. I'm curious to find out what you'll do with the red parts.1 <3 -
I have some ideas i could add in. These are to be added in, in order from top to bottom INCLUDING blue parts!
1. Hating the life i'm currently concealing (i feel the two c's are a bit harsh)
2. My aim to sing at concerts on a bigger stage (kinda avoiding the problem, does it work? try'na avoid having to remake that whole block of lines)
3. A million others I compete with in this race (an extra syllable in the rhyme but million is quick so see if it flows)
4. As the train pulls away i extinguish the fiction (applying to the dreams)
5. Return to the past and recall with precision (kinda saying i look back again which leads on to the next line)
Hoping these flow with the verses so the whole blocks of lines don't need to be edited! -
1. I don't feel the two c's are harsh, I think it's good, but that's up to you.
2. I'd replace it with: 'My aim to be a part of a bigger stage'
3. It works for me.
4 & 5 are perfect. Very smooth end !1 <3 -
Thanks, i wanted another's opinion on the thing with the c's just to see if it still fitted well. Thanks for the line, i'll put it in
. Good that you like the rest of my changes! I'd hoped i'd manage to prove the first verse wasn't a "one verse wonder". I will post a fully corrected version just for the benefit of others reading this post.
(verse 1)
I wake up from a night of constantly dreaming
A break up of the emotions i'm really feeling
Hating the life i'm currently concealing
Stating the life I would rather be leading
'Cos i wake up to a world that just stays the same
Into a situation i know will never change
And mortgage repayments I continually rearrange
Credit Card overdrafts so large I'll leave the recession amazed
I need a loophole i haven't already exhausted
One of those tv ads that say they can solve it
To stop my life continually revolving
I'll need exceptional skills in real life problem solving
Pity my maths has never been that good
I never tried hard to achieve the best i could
But now i move on like everyone knew i should
I trot off into the sunset, i set off on foot...
(verse 2)
I feel relief, as i reach the station
And buy a train to obtain a destination
To give myself a place to aim
And a target for the cars, cash and fame, to remove my pain,
And to begin I start off on my way today
My aim to be a part of a bigger stage
And i won't let nobody get in my way
Or step off long enough to let others amaze,
And today i begin the task to overtake
A million others I compete with in this race
Past the array of future Eminems to take
My place in the charts so people recognise my face,
As the train pulls away I extinguish the fiction
Return to the past and recall with precision
And I know then i've made the right decision
By embarking into the sunset to follow my vision...
(verse 3)
As I ponder over the events of today
I think about how my life could be as the trees go rushing past my face
I state the ways i'd take
If the grand plan blew over or fell out of place,
Back then I couldn't see the future or further state
The backbone of my life laid out on a plate
A mixture of the things I could further create
Or whether the dream would arrive early or late,
And as the train slows down the doubts begin to fade
My brain lights up to the gain so long delayed
The vision that for such a while I had prayed
Had come true on this heavenly mid-summers day,
And if i ever wanted to return to my old endangered place
I'd hope fame had not affected the way i behave
And not even a trace
Of my past life upon my ever changing face... -
Now THAT is what I call a good rap !
1 <3
