Here's my first song, what do you think?

Well, I just wrote my first song, and I really don't think it's that good. But, seeing as I always have a low self-esteem, I thought I'd better post it here. Please bear in mind that I'm not particularly good at things like English or poetry, and this is my first ever attempt, so it's probably really bad. :P



Do you ever feel that life is just an unfair deal?
On our faces they spat upon like we had no appeal
To their rich, corrupted minds which don't wander from themselves
Not even disrupted when they hear our cries to save ourselves

Our efforts go unheard
Our visions become blurred
Alone we're still their slaves
Alone we dig our graves

Together, we can all unite (for what is good and what is right)
United, we will take a stand (we will destroy all their command)
Together, we'll march into the night (through the darkness we will fight)
United, our forces will expand (we will force them to disband)
As one

Whenever we call out, it's even worse, they make it hurt
They never had a doubt that we will not assert (ourselves)
They lock me up in chains, they cart you off to the local juvy
Fear courses through my veins, it feels like a ******* horror movie

My cries are always ignored
My cries tear my lungs apart
You cannot be helped by me
I cannot survive alone

Together, we can all unite (for what is good and what is right)
United, we will take a stand (we will destroy all their command)
Together, we'll march into the night (through the darkness we will fight)
United, our forces will expand (we will force them to disband)
As one

Do you ever feel that life is just an unfair deal?
On our faces they spat upon like we had no appeal
To their rich, corrupted minds which never wander from themselves
Not even disrupted when they hear our pleas to save ourselves

We break down the barriers
We climb through the spaces made
We tear up all their rules
We find out we can unite

Together, we can all unite (for what is good and what is right)
United, we will take a stand (we will destroy all their command)
Together, we'll march into the night (through the darkness we will fight)
United, our forces will expand (we will force them to disband)
As one
As one
As one

We break down the barriers
We climb through the spaces made
We tear up all their rules
We find out we can unite

Together, we can all unite (for what is good and what is right)
United, we will take a stand (we will destroy all their command)
Together, we'll march into the night (through the darkness we will fight)
United, our forces will expand (we will force them to disband)
As one
As one
As one

Together, we can all unite…(through the darkness we will fight….)
United, we will take a stand…(we will force them to disband…)

"Do you ever feel that life is just an unfair deal?
On our faces they spat upon like we had no appeal
To their rich, corrupted minds which never wander from themselves
Not even disrupted when they hear our pleas to save ourselves"

Nice, I felt a good flow to this.
But first I wanted to say welcome to the forum!

I like it a lot, and for it being your first attempt, it's pretty awesome.
You know, I'd like to hear this in music

Do you have any idea on what type of genre this could be in? Haha


BTW BTW BTW, I LOVE your username I laughed when I saw it

Thank you, for the review and the welcome! I've only recently started looking into songwriting, so this really could have gone any way. And I'm actually working on putting this into music at the moment, at the moment it's probably going to be some sort of punk/hardcore/melodic hardcore song. Also, about my username, it's just a nickname my friend gave me on lunch at school because apparently I look like a gremlin when I eat, and I always eat sandwiches.

(then I must be the cheesecake gremlin >.<..)

Yeah, if you finish the music for the song I'd love to hear it. I CAN imagine it in that type of genre actually,
I myself have barley been looking into songwriting also.

Anyways, your welcome and awesome song

I've definitely read worse things than this, but it could be alot better.

It's typical for beginners to try to rhyme every line, something that's not at all necessary. Overuse of rhyme, to me, makes it sound like a nursery rhyme, no matter what the content. Maybe you should try writing one with one rhyme per stanza, just a suggestion.

Alos, at time it doesn't seem to be flowqing well, but that could just be the way I'm reading it... obviously I don't know exactly how you mean this to sound.

All in all, I like it.

Would you mind checking out one of mine and leaving as reply?