Spotlight (unfinished... please help)

First post... not sure how really go about this but I've written some lyrics and an accompanying chord progression (I play guitar) and was hoping to get some insight. Last time I wrote I got mocked pretty hard by my friends so I was hoping for some semi-anonymous criticism before I take this one to my friends/band-mates. It's still a work in progress. Please be brutally honest, I don't want to write anything cheesy or lame. Thanks

(the lines with asterisks are the ones I'm meaning to change but can't think of what to put, or in a couple of spots, I'm trying to decide between two words/phrases)

Spotlight (or maybe "quicksand" i haven't decided)

verse one
a game of chance and i can’t concentrate
lady luck’s not here tonight

she’s flirting with disaster
the hourglass runs faster
but my mouth’s going dry* [i'd like to put something about slowing down here, but it needs to rhyme with "tonight"]

my hands are in my pockets
my shoelaces untied

my hands are in my pockets
but she's staying here tonight*

verse two
the forward and the backward
of all those hollowed out words
that we hid inside and kept us warm

the guilt from all the stories *[I actually really dislike this whole phrase. I'd like to scrap it and write
all the ones you told me something new, something that ends with the proper rhyme scheme]
or the ones I never told to you

if you knew how to read my mind
then you’d know what i meant when i said
i’m sorry
it never even crossed my mind
that you were lying [next to/under]* me

prechorus
all the things we told the ceiling
when we just didn’t have the words for each other
talking without meaning
moving without thought

chorus
I fell asleep stuck in the the quicksand
playing a role with nothing underneath
I drifted off, caught in the monotony
I fell asleep just trying to dream

verse three
frozen in the spotlight
we lost control that night
so another round on me*** (really don't like this line)

the forward and the backward
seasick and a coward
who wanted to believe

prechorus
all the things you never told me
but I always thought you meant to say
[need a couple more lines here]

chorus
I fell asleep stuck in the quicksand
playing a role with nothing underneath
I drifted off caught in the monotony
I fell asleep just trying to dream

I lost my breath, running out of reasons
lost track of time, playing my scene
I couldn’t breathe under you and all your “should have”s
I took your word and it caught up with me

verse four
puddles formed beneath my feet
when i walked out by the lake this morning

my hands still in my pockets
but my shoelaces are tied

and even though it took so long
and the hourglass gave up on me
i don’t think that it all went wrong
i think that i’ll go home*




Like I said, a work in progress. Thanks so much for reading. I'm not sure if it's customary to post what the song is about and I know the lyrics are a little confusing (at least I think they might be) so if you think explaining it would help, at least for comprehension or songwriting purposes, just let me know.

Thanks again