I think this expresses a concept (a complete set of thoughts and feelings?) very very well, and I personally think the structure is very workable as a song. You even seem to have a nice bridge before the last chorus. And I love the words ... maybe a minor improvement here and there, but overall I think it would make a really good song ...
Please pardon the question, but are you a native-English speaker? If not, that might be why I would suggest just a couple of very minor changes.
Having problems with vertigo for 2-3 days ... it's temporary, a mild case and it will pass, but for now I can't stay on the computer as much as normal :-/ ...