New Song called Damned...Feed back Please....

I wrote this to a band called Awolnation the beat I used was for a song called Sail
I is a slow tempo beat. the flow works with it if you read it just right.
please let me know what you think.

Thanks again for your time...




V1
Sitting here procrastinating contemplating my plans.
But my feet keep sinking deeper in the quicksand.
Like amnesia,I can't seem to remember who I am.
A child or man, can't break free, crammed like peas in a can.
Claustrophobic too much pressure to take, I'm about to break.
like a bubble everywhere I seem to go troubles waits.
for me to stumble trip and fumble falling on my ****ing face
with each step I take, like ants I can't wonder to a place that’s safe.
I carry ten ten times my own body weight always feeling crushed.
Screaming I can't take this no more and all I here is hush.
Stop crying shut the **** up, tough titty,,you need to Mush
fighting with my self in my head, locked up trying to pick the cuffs
I must be damned....


Hook
2X
Having bad luck everywhere I go....
Damned....
Keep wondering will I ever get a chance to make my goals.
Damned....
Am I a living ghost not know to man...
nope I must be damned.
buried to the neck waiting for waves to cram sand down my throat...
I must be Damned...

V2
Damned from this minute I was torn from my mothers womb.
whom drink too much the night before, floating in her booze.
My first breath reeked of alcohol, fed from Fallopian tubes.
Damned before my eyes opened now I'm Damned at age 32.
No future growing up in ghetto’s labeled because of white skin.
Growing up as the enemy just trying to make a few friends
like chameleons my only defense mechanism was learning how to blend.
Things were okay until my father Went to prison 5 to 10,
for abusing me and my sisters trying to cover up his violent sins.
Can't try to pretend that it didn’t happen, That moment I died with in.
Cried in side, I'm damned just like my pride.
A never ending cycle whats dead ends up coming back to life.
And still I beak a sweat try to survive I must be Damned....








Hook
2X
Having bad luck everywhere I go....
Damned....
Keep wondering will I ever get a chance to make my goals.
Damned....
Am I a living ghost not know to man...
nope I must be damned.
buried to the neck waiting for waves to cram sand down my throat...
I must be Damned...






V3
All The doors locked closed,But one opportunity is open.
A window, But it slams breaking both hands as soon as I approach it.
Damned out side it moping, pouring rain out side it soaking
hoping.for something to get me out of this jam but nope it's hopeless.
I knock on it as hard as I can screaming are you kidding me?
Jesus what did I do to God to induce this senseless injury?
Who knew I'd be Sentenced to a menacing life of mystery.
incarcerated for what? Nothing.. Attempted breaking and entering?
The only think that helps me keep my self stable mentally,
is family and friends, with out them I'd be in the penitentiary.
Panicking manically driving my self to the point of insanity.
Falling on my knees, The world has a why to make someone who stands
feel like half a man. I've done all that I can physically and still I'm damned.

Hook
2X
Having bad luck everywhere I go....
Damned....
Keep wondering will I ever get a chance to make my goals.
Damned....
Am I a living ghost not know to man...
nope I must be damned.
buried to the neck waiting for waves to cram sand down my throat...
I must be Damned...


Copyright 06/07/2011

Nice job man. I could get the flow of this rap just by reading it. You could feel the beats in your writing which was good. I thought your use of the English language was great, you have a wide range of vocabulary and a way of rhyming words without forcing it so well done. Also, did the "I must me damned" line, did that come with the beat? Cos that has a good effect

Thanks Jfam,

In the song that I wrote it to the guy screams sail... where i say damned. if you haven’t heard that song by Awolnation you should. The beat is bad ***...It inspired me to right this the first minute the song can out. I just finally found the time. you should read my other stuff as well. Allot of what I wright relate to most in some way or another. I'm on a mission dawg. Check them out if you get a chance....

I also just changed the hook a bit from


Hook
2X
Having bad luck everywhere I go....
Damned....
Keep wondering will I ever make it to my goals.
Damned....
Am I a living ghost not know to man...
nope I must be damned.
Waiting for the waves, buried up to my neck it sand...
I must be Damned...

to

Hook
2X
Having bad luck everywhere I go....
Damned....
Keep wondering will I ever get a chance to make my goals.
Damned....
Am I a living ghost not know to man...
nope I must be damned.
buried to the neck waiting for waves to cram sand down my throat...
I must be Damned...

And I had a few typos I corrected...is the hook better than before?

Sk'nDeep what can I say about this, just that (1) I'm sure I can see the rhythms except maybe in 1 or 2 lines, but if you've got it then that's really all that counts, and (2) I think this is damn fine writing. I hope I won't piss anybody else off too bad here but there's some intelligence at work here and I think that's really hard to work into Rap and still make it Rap, I mean drive and hit hard like Rap is supposed to do. But I can see it, I can "hear" it and I think this is some really fine work bro.

Moon, I am thankfull full your words. I work hard on stuff like this. I read them over and over again. Most of the time I rewright it after I read it. What I wanted to do with this song was,to have it relate with people who feel damned by life when It get's you down. The world is a tuff place to live in and we all feel this way at lease once in our life time. On the other hand, I feel the same way about your writing. You have a true tallent that should be out there aswell. I hear to much of the same garbage on the radio and wonder why...Who signed this chump. lol I will keep posting more of my work for you and everyone eles to see.
thanks again man...It means the world to see postive feed back like this.

hehe... I'll be saying the same thing again hehe.... the way you write I start feeling the things while reading the words...

I like to hear that MiT, That was what I was looking for...

Audio is coming...hopefully soon...

Why haven't I read this before and told you it was the sickest shxt you ever wrote ?

thanks molo. I have been wanting to drop this on audio soo bad. thanks to everyone who took the time to read this.

Well drop it as soon as you can ! U have a fan who's impatiently waiting !!!