It Turns - Need A Rapper To Look At This - HELP!!

It was suggested to me that I write a song with rap verses and a sung chorus. I'm happy with my chorus but I can't write rap for toffee!!! If any of the experts out there would like to suggest better verses, please do! Ive got the basic feel of them but I don't like the way they sound...

(Rapper / Singer)

It Turns

Oh... (it turns, it turns)
Oh... (man, the world just turns)

Verse (rap?)
They tell us to look forward but I can’t help looking back,
How can we make a difference when they tell us how to act?
I don’t get what they saying when they brainwash us each day,
They want us to be better, but they tell us what to say,
They can’t see them dying, see them falling, see them weep,
I’m walking down in Gucci with death down at my feet,
Walking through the concrete jungle, soon the only place,
That’s a jungle will be concrete, that’s something I can’t face,

Bridge (?)
Because they just want control but we can’t give it,
The only way to be free is to live it,

Chorus (sung)
Trying to find my footing,
In a world that turns too fast,
Trying to find a way to make,
Them help me make this last,
Because I can see them dying,
And I’m crying,
But the world just turns, it turns,

Verse (rap?)
The world is screaming, world is crying, and I’m here,
Trying tell you how I feel, my friend, I'm trying you show fear,
If we don’t start, then we won’t stop and I can’t see the end,
This isn’t ours alone and it’s what we’ve all gotta defend,
Keep your money, keep your bling and keep your green,
That’s what we gotta make the world, that’s what I’ve seen,
Seen the pain, the poison spreading, we’re losing our way,
Join me while you can, I’m gonna start this war today!

Bridge (?)
Because they just want control but we can’t give it,
The only way to be free is to live it,

Chorus (sung)
Trying to find my footing,
In a world that turns too fast,
Trying to find a way to make,
Them help me make this last,
Because I can see them dying,
And I’m crying,
But the world just turns, it turns,

It turns, it turns... (yeah, it turns)... it turns...

Hah, I love the combination of a lyricist writing a rap, this just works so well! You've used great imagery and metaphors, but it's still a rap song. Very well done to you my friend!

You think it's alright? I suck at this stuff but I wanted to challenge myself

Its solid, but try to use things like internal rhymes. For instance, instead of "The world is screaming, world is crying, and I’m here," try something that flows better like, "The world is tearing at the seams, it seams to scream a devilish dream" Alliterations, internal rhyming, and using words that sound similar but don't actually rhyme are a rappers best friends. In my opinion, the only way to get a good feel for rapping and flowing, is to listen to ALOT of hip hop. But still its solid, but has alot of potential to improve

You did awsome kate...what are you saying? You have tallent in anything you right...A liitle hint.. try stacking your words makes it rhyme better....good job though...
If you like...I will put a spin on it using your same lyrics ,give or take here and there...But that's up to you girl..
I don't think you need it..I have faith you can do this on your own...Let me know if so.

Yo Kate! Well done! I suggest that you should try using bars. For example:

They tell us to look forward/
But I cant help looking back/

This makes the verse(s) easier to read

good point Namel3ss

Its unusual for a lyricist to do rap, its even more unusual for them to put out something like this on their first try. Sure it could be improved, but all raps can
Personally i like it

could i have this rap/song mate. Plz

Have it? How'd you mean? If you want to take it and put it to music and whatever, go for it, because I won't be able to do that for toffee Although if you make money, I so get a cut

yh could i put it to music and give you a cut. I know someone who can sign me. So if i could use this i would appreciate it very much.

Sorry, dude. But they're my lyrics and claiming that they're your own wouldn't be right or fair.