New Song Traumitized ....unfinished advise is needed

Thread: New Song Traumitized ....unfinished advise is needed

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  1. SK'nDeep's Avatar

    SK'nDeep said:

    Default New Song Traumitized ....unfinished advise is needed

    I have this song I’m working on. I so far have named it Traumatized...
    But I'm open for any suggestions.
    First off I have two hooks I’m stuck between.
    Please let me know your feed back. and which hook you like better 1 or 2
    plus there are 32 bars on the 1st verse. should I divide it or keep it as is.
    Please let me know.

    Thanks for your time.


    I remember it like it was just a day ago,
    the first time in a while,I saw my mommas face glow,
    tells me we're leaving, moving away from the ruins.
    She was so happy, so I naturally followed her influence.
    packed up the few things we owned in the old,
    Flintstones Corolla, know for the, hole rusting through the floor board,
    No more *ucking hot plates or window units , with worn marks on the cord.
    No more collecting water in pot's anytime it would storm.
    Arrived during the morning sometime right after dawn.
    Things were great, seeing nice houses and freshly cut lawns.
    Felt like a new start, but in my heart, something was wrong.
    Cause things got worse the more Mom drove along.
    The houses got smaller the birds stopped singing songs,
    and the clouds got darker. eyeballed by them all.
    immediately felt out of place, Alienated for our race,
    in hostel environment like we were Aliens from outer space.
    unpacking our things walking em up to the apartment.
    Emotionally scarred watching the big dogs snarling.
    So I stayed on the porch while the other kids play ball.
    If I can recall A H.o.n.k.e.y. Cracker, was the name I was called.
    Mean words were like daggers, stabbing me through the heart.
    Nothing else mattered. So *uck it I'll make a fresh start.
    I walked up to the punk who blurted it out.
    Worked out our differences, By punching him dead in his mouth.
    Knocked out a few teeth with his punk friends as the witnesses.
    After that everyone thought I had heart. Suddenly they were interested.
    Who I was, who I knew ,and where I came from.
    I was just like them a little kid with no daddy who came from the slums.
    They warned me to watch my back, especially at dusk.
    Don't cross the path of my cousins when They're slinging drugs.
    That first night gun shots echoed in the air, under the covers scared
    like monsters in the closet pretending they weren’t there.

    Hook 1
    That's why Sk'n is deep and he can't get any deeper.
    Beauty or beast, underneath it all is a creature
    so peaceful and kind but when pushed over the line
    it can be lethal overtime,good heart can turn evil.
    Immunized my self from it, nothing can penetrate
    stopping bullets in time the love will end to hate.
    I wont stop liberating until we utilize it's power
    this is our hour,to collaborate our are too much of a *ucking coward

    Or Hook 2

    Those I've know in the ghetto are still frozen in time.
    met demise, my eyes witnessing was my only good byes.
    gone for eternity , Like a Nam vet somehow I survived.
    damaged internal. I'm Left forever traumatized.

    Copy Right 07/07/2011
    Last edited by SK'nDeep; 07-07-2011 at 07:44 AM.
    Peace Love Empathy

  2. Tre_fly's Avatar

    Tre_fly said:


    Hook two, but use hook one in a verse. I think hook one is too deep/complex to be a hook so integrate it into a verse. Keep the 32 bars, lessen the 2nd verse to 16 and then the 3rd one to 8. Make more and more of a statement with each verse, making the final verse really straightforward, powerful and to the point, like make the last verse some of the best **** you ever wrote if you can and then have the last line bring hope to your previous 55 bars of dark ghettoness(haha "ghettoness"). That's just my thoughts though.
    "What we think, we become." Buddha
  3. SK'nDeep's Avatar

    SK'nDeep said:


    Thanks that does help allot. I havn't had the time to write as much as I would like to since I found a job.
    I will try that out.
    Peace Love Empathy