Feedback Please.......

To the End


i love you
to the end
of time

i love you
to the end
of time

please
come back to me
i promise
to be true

will
you be there
when im old

i love you'
to the end
of time

(whistling)

Try something like this;

I thought we had a deal
To the end togehter
To the end forever
Was the bet

So what happened
Did you get scared of it?
Maybe even bored a bit?
Or made a deal with someone else.

What does she/he have that I don't?
What could she/he give you that I couldn't?
What was the point of all these lies?
What was the reason for this treason?

But I forgive you baby
If you promise to be true to me
And be there when I'm old
And have children of our own

Please come back to me baby
I can't do it without you baby
Can't stand this life without you baby
Can't stand anything without you baby

I thought we had a deal
To the end togehter
To the end forever
Was the bet

PS: I just noticed when I finished writing this that it has an opposite subjet to the one you have written.

You should continue. Poetry is not formatted, rather should be free flowing. though I would encourage you to expand your observations and use expanded expression, tell a story. You need to give us more details Hell knows I am not the best, though I did sell some lyrics with a co author to Journey, never recorded.
Think of what this would be if color was added, more complicated words that may have several meanings. I do not ever discourage but just give my own perspective, take it with a helpful eye.