im 13 years old, but im serious with my lyrics. so please give feedback if you read

this is food for thought, as an observer of the game for a while
im ashamed at the change, we need a trial
hip-hop is gone, lets save it before its faded way too long
songs on the radio, filled with non-sense
emcees bragging 'bout cash,
when the world is filled with **** beyond stress
and these cocky bastards are beyond blessed
because they got a deal, props for that but artists no longer
know how to stay real
the fame changed the person that they once were
rather talk about ambition, than the madness that occurs
if your trynna encourage others to do what you do,
i appreciate the positive message
but not everyone can gain the same possesions
that you have
people suffer to find they're next meal
i cant imagine how that feels
yet the artists that run the game speak on how to be true
meanwhile u speak down on all as if we're beneath you
then u go and spend a couple thou for a chain
thats the type of **** that makes me now go insane
real talk, not all of us can relate
and, too many subjects are overdue for debate
i crave a deal, so i can change the peoples mindset
i've stated this before...im on a conquest

It's okay. I like the idea, mainstream rap's, been gone since like 2005. I recommend you use assonance and alliteration, put in some soul into it cause the lyrics is good but they're dry as far as the rhymes go. But yeah keep writing you'll get better once you find the flow. Also I recommend you mention directly who you're talking about in the lyrics cause it stands out more and doesn't make you look *****. No offense that's just the way it is you're gonna improve if you try.

oh alright. and thanx man. yea im just getting started with writing lyrics, so no i dont take offense at all. thanx for the feedback, im definitely gonna work on the stuff you recommended

this is good stuff...keep up the flavour..but work for a beter flow of rhymes,poetry,rhythm n above all stay true to the game.

what your lacking exactly is MULTIES multie syllables that is
if you don't know what that is its basically two ending rhymes at the end for example
i swear when i'm on the mic i SHATTER YOU
i'll piss you off you woulda thought you BLADDER BLEW

see how SHATTER YOU rhymes with BLADDER BLEW at the end of the rhyme?
that's what a multi is and if you can get the hang of those you can perfect your flow threw multiese
cus honestly this doesn't flow because it don't have multies some may say multies do'nt matter
but trust me they matter tho you can rhyme up to 5-6 words but once you get better at multiese
you'll know what to do with them easiest way for begginers to come up with multies would be like

think of your LINE if your line is for example this

i'll dedicate my life to music i don't care if death is the cost

that's the example the COST word so you can reword it and make it better
like

i'll dedicate my life to music i don't care what the COST "BE"

see how i reworded that and put COST BE as the rhyming word? well you can list any words you want
that rhyme with cost and be for example the COST RHYMING WORDS

COST,TOSS,MOSS,OFF,CLAWS,AWE,SAW,

keep in mind they don't have to be PERFECT RHYMES there's something called "SLANT RHYMES"!

slant rhymes are basically rhyming words that sound perfect but really aren't for example a perfect rhyme would be

HIT with BATS NIT his BACK FIT him AT,nd LIP will SMASH

HIT BATS FIT AT are perfect rhymes because HIT has the "IT in it so does FIT and NIT
does as well BATS a perfect rhyme with AT because they both have the "AT in them
but they don't always have to be perfect and example of a SLANT RHYME would be like

GUYS BREAK when my LINES SHAKE,the earth because my RHYMES GREAT

that's an example of a slant rhyme see how in your head GUYS LINES RHYMES seem perfect rhyming words?
and same goes with BREAK SHAKE ND GREAT but there not perfect rhyming words there slant rhymes
hope this helped you keep scribbling and i'm always here to help those whom want to improve
i like to see dedication and potential keep at it bruh

thanx for the feedback guys, yea i've been making a lot more verses recently in my free time, sometimes to some beats i found on youtube...and i've taken some of the recommendations from you guys and it has helped, thanks again.