First half of a verse. Should I continue or scrap it?

Thread: First half of a verse. Should I continue or scrap it?

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  1. ir1 said:

    Default First half of a verse. Should I continue or scrap it?

    See the meaning of life is to give life meaning.
    So what I aim high, I don't care if i'm dreaming.
    I'm scheming to make this rap **** work for me.
    So i'll just keep going till it hurts to breath.
    Never slacking, cause my brain never lacking.
    If success was a drug then you would call me a crackfiend.
    So keep laughing and ill just keep attacking like
    a bear who don't care, even if your skull is cracking.

    Is this okay? Rate it 1/10 and give some advice and what parts you liked/hated. Thanks.

    I'm just starting on this rap stuff. I understand subject matter can be better.
  2. _SBU said:


    This is good stuff.
    Nice long syllable strings in the rhyme scheme, which is dope, especially as you're just starting out..
    The pair of 4s strung in the first couplet is a nice touch where a lot of writers would be content to use a pair of 2s and just rhyme "meaning"/"dreaming".. those extra syllables you've strung ahead make a big improvement to flow quality ("give life meaning"/"if I'm dreaming").
    I think it trails off a bit after the beginning half, but I especially like the first 4 lines.

    Maybe try some internals- rhyming off of your ending syllable strings earlier on in your lines as well. either doubling up or just grabbing a half of the syllable string to rhyme off earlier in the line

    Really I'd only advise keeping on and putting a lot of time into writing. also maybe freestyle rapping on your own or in cyphers. practise hard. as you're starting out and developing your own style there isnt much other good advice which can be given at this stage
  3. Zachre's Avatar

    Zachre said:


    It's pretty nice, except the last two lines where you're attacking like a bear. That seems like a forced rhyme and a poor analogy haha.