new song Sparticus feed back please..

this was a song I wrote back in the day and have updated the lyrics. please let me know what you think.

VRS 1
I'm fired up, enough just enough to stop the *ucks.
That Pocket us, then pop us after the profits up.
Stocking us up with new *hit until its too populous.
Pac knew it but couldn’t prove it, and now Pac is dust.
They’ve locked us up, ball and chain , calling it fame.
Changing our name, *uck that, this is the only way in the game?
it’s damn a shame, cause this industry is making it fake
Taking our claims, like we’re related to the natives and braves.
I ain’t waiting for fate, I’m invading its space.
not going out in a rush, *uck playing these games.
I’d rather sell my albums out of a trunk then to wade in a trade.
I’d rather carry weights for the rest of my days with 8 breaks in each leg.
Then to sign for a label that's only designed to change ya.
Take what I created? *hit... You can't Bait me with a fable.
You snakes can't pay me enough under the table to make me change.
If ya feel the same way join the brigade, all I need is your flame.

Hook 1X
So follow me if ya want to be saved from the slavery.
the tasteless flavorless *hit this trade's been savoring.
the paint is fading I seen enough of it's imagery
so march with Spartacus together we will walk away with victory
face the industrial snakes waiting. To sink in there fangs
banding the freedom of speech Poisoning the rules of the game.
Like the police using Miranda, stripping the rights that belong to us.
so stand up and Strive, fight by the side of Spartacus....



VRS 2
People believe I’m a mutant, cause I breathe music’s solution.
I seep deep through it,improve it ,then spew it free of pollution.
Spiting lyrics relentlessly quick witted Like Eminem
We relate in many different ways but Sk'n isn't kin to him,
Sk'n isn't one to mimic, If I did I’ll send him my sentiments.
But this isn't the Sk'n & Em show. Its about musicians swimming with
famished business men who's only intention is
spliting us from limb to limb like bloody chum from a bucket.
Sk'n ain't dipping in it. flip the subject no need to discuss it.
how many instances has Em mentioned it. *uck this..
So...pucker up and suck what sits above my luscious nuts Pricks!
We know the industry is corrupted leaving us as blind as it's justice..
this is it, don't quit ,corner em in with our flames and torches
Take hold of their reins like horses regain control of our fame and fortune
Hoping for hope is hopeless so we can’t hope for nothing more.
wired explosives to our torso only to blow open that *ucking door.




Hook 1X
So follow me if ya want to be saved from the slavery.
the tasteless flavorless *hit this trade's been savoring.
the paint is fading I seen enough of it's imagery
so march with Spartacus together we will walk away with victory
face the industrial snakes waiting. To sink in there fangs
banding the freedom of speech Poisoning the rules of the game.
Like the police using Miranda, stripping the rights that belong to us.
so stand up and Strive, fight by the side of Spartacus....


VRS 3
I can’t stop doing this cause hip hops influences ruined it.
Yo who’s the prick that drew the useless spit for this future diss.
Do you think I want to here about stupid *hit and what shoes to get.
Even if I knew they fit, I wouldn’t buy em if they grew lips and blew my *ick.
It pisses me off what ever happened to the missing songs with real incentive.
I’m not a critic, I just want lesson with out getting trigger sensitive.
Cause It’s senseless to hear lyrics about all their expensive carriers expenses.
Even two cents admission is too expensive for a ticket to boo these *itches.
So who are they kidding it’s obviously not me I *ucking hate this.
Going back to outdated hits and knowing what there saying before I play it.
Now monotony is the play list, the only way it’s entertaining
Is if I recreate with my words for it’s permanent replacement.
Just wait until I make it I won’t be stating what I banked in.
I’ll be driving a fake Benz with fake rims and wearing the same *hit.
It’s crazy the way they show out. when you’re famous and ain’t made it.
Taking a loan out just to zone out as they rape your anus in a way that’s painless.


Hook 1X
So follow me if ya want to be saved from the slavery.
the tasteless flavorless *hit this trade's been savoring.
the paint is fading I seen enough of it's imagery
so march with Spartacus together we will walk away with victory
face the industrial snakes waiting. To sink in there fangs
banding the freedom of speech Poisoning the rules of the game.
Like the police using Miranda, stripping the rights that belong to us.
so stand up and Strive, fight by the side of Spartacus....



Sk'nDeep Copyright 10/03/2011

No feed back yet really?

bump!!!

Damn. Almost an eminent type flow to it. Real descriptive and sharp sylabols. Nice ****

Eminem

SK'n, sorry it took so long for me.
I'd like to hear this; in my opinion, the strongest part is the first verse- got me into it right away. I could almost imagine hearing you spit that, but somehow it lost me a bit in the later verses. Don't get me wrong, your ideas are still on point, but I start to lose the feel of it. And (just for me and my personal taste) some use of sexual insult makes it lose its poignancy a bit.
But overall, it's good stuff, you're better than most of these guys out here, you always have something to say, you say it in a clever way and don't sink to the level of grade school insults.

Smooth,
It's nice seeing your feed back...as far as the Eminem thing. lol I realte to him in a few ways. but I am not even close to his caliber.
I have been influenced by his music ever since he first came out. I don't wish to sound like him by any means. He is Original and so am I. Even though that does make me feel great that you would even acknowledge me and him as a comparison, I know in my heart he is the best....

Partizanka,
The last verse was something I wrote back in the day when that song Air Force 1's came out.
Hearing cash money records and **** like that set me off. I was tied of hearing garbage play on the radio and I feel the same way about it today. I'm not the biggest fan to the rap industry for the reason once your signed your rights are stripped. Even though they give you all you could ever dream, it's just a loan. And ignorant people take advantage of it and flash their money it in your face. When you are poor like me it gets irritating. Knowing they have the power to wright positive lyrics but they choose to rap the same old songs. My rims, my cars, my women, Who gives a F*** right!!
So I just though I would use it. If you don't mind me asking though, which part was it that made it loose it's poignancy? I would like to fix that issue ASAP. Your feed back is very important to me no matter what. and so is every one else. I need to know where I need Improvement in order to improve....

thanks for your feed back guys, I will work on my flaws to improve...

Yea just the fact you used hard syllabols and a lot of them. Its hard to do that and keep the flow. Above average. Keep it up. Record this

I am looking forward to it.

Originally Posted by SK'nDeep

Partizanka,
The last verse was something I wrote back in the day when that song Air Force 1's came out.
Hearing cash money records and **** like that set me off. I was tied of hearing garbage play on the radio and I feel the same way about it today. I'm not the biggest fan to the rap industry for the reason once your signed your rights are stripped. Even though they give you all you could ever dream, it's just a loan. And ignorant people take advantage of it and flash their money it in your face. When you are poor like me it gets irritating. Knowing they have the power to wright positive lyrics but they choose to rap the same old songs. My rims, my cars, my women, Who gives a F*** right!!

Absolutely I agree with you. The topics of most mainstream rap (rims, cars, etc...) is something 99% of the world can't identify with in reality, although they like to pretend. I remember Bob Dylan once said something like rap is a new manifestation of folk music, and I liked that; it could be used to really express the lives/hardship of average people. But that doesn't sell apparently. And I guess it's okay, we all choose which devil to sleep with or whatever.

So I just though I would use it. If you don't mind me asking though, which part was it that made it loose it's poignancy? I would like to fix that issue ASAP. Your feed back is very important to me no matter what. and so is every one else. I need to know where I need Improvement in order to improve....

It's really just a personal preference of mine, it's not something that needs to be fixed. The way I see it is that as much care as is taken to avoid racial insults, the same amount of care should be taken to avoid sexual insults. I don't expect anyone else to see it the same way I do, but in my point of view, most sexual insults are rooted in some form of misogyny and/or homophobia. (I don't think it's something most people consciously are doing, please don't take it that way. I'm just highly opinionated on it. )
Aj, I'm gonna stop talking now. I can explain more in pm if you want; here's not the place for me to preach.