sick n sadistic (feedback appreciated)

If i could emerge as the real me, a sick sadistic enemy,
An emcee with dreams of hysterectomies an vasectomies...
Id fester like bees when teased, an carve out knees wit house keys.
I bleed out sheep ta hear em bleat, while farmers plead "let em be!!"
I'd take pitchforks galoure an make em wonder what they live for..
I'd leave more core on the floor than raw pork in a butcher store.
Horror sells so I'd raise hell an set up cams in hotels..
And induce yells with shotgun shells n' yea I'd show but not tell.
I'd be on *****es backs like bras-straps on ***'s like sofas.
I'd deepen pockets with more revenue a than a damn Broadway show does.
I'd throw more caged fists man and brake more wrists than "shogun"
And I'd specialize in more dirty jobs than that man "Mike Rowe" does.
I'd bust more nuts litterally than "eminem" or the candy.
Matter fact..right now I'd fancy more clit than beaches are sandy.
Wouldn't discriminate but I'd determine more fickled fates than "Randy".
Id hit the streets clean on 23's and shoot more sh*t than "plan b"
I'd be gladly responsible for filling more cups than the "lord stanley"
I got more flavor to savor dawg than a mother f**kin pantry

Not finished obviously..this is 1st draft, wrote it on here. Now that I read it over I guess its got potential but needs work

Smooth. That's. Sick home...I felt that dawg.. great. Vocab flowed well, nice metophores ect.....
This. Brought. You. To a whole new level in my Book...
Great job homie... The only thing i would do is work on rhyming your multies better at the end of your bars.
Can't Wait Till its finished.....
Stay Up...

Thanks dawg. Yeeup that's a good point I'm workin on it right now. First wished product hopefully on here soon

Cool....

Yeah.
The flow's very good, and well structured.
I think that the polysyllabic rhymes at the end of your bars are the right length to work with the internal rhyming throughout the bars.
a few seemed like they might not rhyme perfectly, but I really can't know without hearing it delivered in your accent + phrasing.

I like your use of imagery, quite evocative without being overpoweringly so. that helps it switch up smoothly.

not much to criticise about this.
although in my opinion perhaps it'd benefit from a more focussed/narrower range of themes.
or from switching up the imagery a bit less.. I mean using more imagery from within a single theme or a few related themes.

You got some good material appropriate for the mood of the rap. Just a few things of my personal input. A lot of your material is about you doing certain things. It flows like "I'm do this, then I'ma do this, then I'ma do this" which doesn't present a good mix of content. Talk about how you're feeling, or why you're feeling that way, why you wanna do some of this stuff. Also it helps to add sensory imagery and other illustration to give the reader a picture. Maybe present a story-like structure to sick and sadistic. An example like:

At the club every night spittin rhymes so tight
But when I step from the mic everything just isn't right
Exit through the door, embrace the chill weather
Hop in my car to a body dismembered

Also I noticed you end your last couple lines with "than (somethin something)". Personally I like to spread out my metaphors so I'm not just stacking them on top of each other. It's good to let them flow and sometimes in a sense, surprise the reader or humor the reader

Originally Posted by _SBU

Yeah.
The flow's very good, and well structured.
I think that the polysyllabic rhymes at the end of your bars are the right length to work with the internal rhyming throughout the bars.
a few seemed like they might not rhyme perfectly, but I really can't know without hearing it delivered in your accent + phrasing.

I like your use of imagery, quite evocative without being overpoweringly so. that helps it switch up smoothly.

not much to criticise about this.
although in my opinion perhaps it'd benefit from a more focussed/narrower range of themes.
or from switching up the imagery a bit less.. I mean using more imagery from within a single theme or a few related themes.

Great advice. Yea that seems to be what most people are saying, maybe stick to a common theme or better transitions so that its more of a story. Ill edit and post new version soon. I appreciate it

Originally Posted by Steeze

You got some good material appropriate for the mood of the rap. Just a few things of my personal input. A lot of your material is about you doing certain things. It flows like "I'm do this, then I'ma do this, then I'ma do this" which doesn't present a good mix of content. Talk about how you're feeling, or why you're feeling that way, why you wanna do some of this stuff. Also it helps to add sensory imagery and other illustration to give the reader a picture. Maybe present a story-like structure to sick and sadistic. An example like:

At the club every night spittin rhymes so tight
But when I step from the mic everything just isn't right
Exit through the door, embrace the chill weather
Hop in my car to a body dismembered

Also I noticed you end your last couple lines with "than (somethin something)". Personally I like to spread out my metaphors so I'm not just stacking them on top of each other. It's good to let them flow and sometimes in a sense, surprise the reader or humor the reader

Damn...that's probably the most useful advice yet. I appreciate it, I am in the process of adding transitions....making it more story like. Ill have edited.copy on here soon. I appreciate the feedback dawg

I dig it man

I agree..but in some cases take for instance early Eminem, He used I'm tired through the Damn whole song..lol .It just depends on how you use your words...good point though steeze....

Yeah. For sure, old school eminem is my favorite. Just depends if it flows well with the mood. Always remember youre speaking to your listeners instead of just reading off punchlines