I think it's better than my last one

I know it's shorter but I think it's better, that's for you to decide though. Not me. Oppinions?

I can't breath like I'm bein' strangled,
It's like all the time my whole bodies entangled,
under ropes and vines, complicated since birth,
like a rebelious child I was born feet first,
I wish that my stress would just lift,
a hot air baloon, on a helium trip,
voice pitched like Josh Beckett,
every line, you drop you need to ****in' check it,
all my lines,- this ****, they'll just wreck it,
happiness don't come from spittin',
true players in this game know, no quittin',

(Also I'm not really satisfied with the 2 lines after "Voice pitched like Josh Beckett" any advice for what I could throw in there? Advice in general is appreciated.)

It's better than before but what you need to do is try to not use like or as if... Substitute it for something eles.
Reword it..instead. of I can't breath like I'm being strangled, say something like..

Example
Gasping for air,strangled .by.....................and build off of it from there

Alright. I'll work on it thanks. Also honestly I didn't notice my excessive use of "like" so I appreciate you pointing that out for me.
I also feel that I'm not being as complex lyrically as I would like to be, I feel I'm taking the easy road just so less time is used on writing it. I mean most of this takes me like a minute to write and then I just kindof drop it after that, so I'll actually take the time to have a wider vocabulary lyrically.

It's always best to take baby steps at first. I know I did when I first started.
You didn't use like too much it was just the first two lines I noticed it.
You could also start with... Suffering from strangulation... And build from it...
Try your best to make your syllable counts match...keep at it..

Alright man thanks. Appreciate it all.

Welcome any advise you need feel free to pm me

Way better than your first !

Got some aight sh*t there. After the Becket line (which is dope) I wouldn't refer to the reader ...which you did by using "you" . It take meaning way from the piece and credability. But ur on the right track keep goin..

Yeah I couldn't think of anything after the beckett line :/
I did really like that line though. But I feel like I just ****ed it after that.

You actually had good advice, I just joined this and didn't expect this at all lol

Originally Posted by ValientWarrior

You actually had good advice, I just joined this and didn't expect this at all lol

Welcome to ALT V.W.