sick n sadistic (edits) alot to read but im proud of the transformations

One more edit befor new version...

**note its all a lot to read hag..but I'm proud of the transformation. It went through a lot. Kept me stressing for awhiiile
(NOT TOUCHED)
If i could emerge as the real me, the sickest sadistic enemy,
An emcee with frenzied dreams of hysterectomies an vasectomies...
Id fester like bees when teased n'* carve out knees wit house keys n'*
bleed out sheep ta hear em bleatin,* while farmers plead "please let em be man!!"
No sympathy from me*
so hear my sinister scream let gleem an*
beam of dark greed off the arc'd beams of the barn ceiling. *
Mark the scene with caution posts,* in the middle..an esoph-a-gus ex-posed.
Lay a straw-hat by the fallen pro, whose sollum woes we'll never know.
step toe over toe alone down the stoned road onto an awaiting stain..
Find a lonely homie at home-he spots me through the window pain
..
Im ceaseless so smash the glass ta pieces, slice and entice a cold grievance.
Stand in peace over a seamless waste of skin that I tore seams in...
There's a crazed brigade through every vein so I'd do this as a tradition.
If the man had friends then I'd slam heads just ta end it with a submission.
I'm on a mission and non of me's missin the days where I was once normal.
Now done with wishin for acceptance to quickin, my mind's friggin immortal.
And when my spine tingles of bordem lord have mercy on backless *******s,
Trapped fury lingers so blurry pictures are ravaged like capless tackle.
I fumigate and illuminate backyards to find big dig spots
For luminous places for tombs of faces once know as big shots.

(Chorus)
(EDITED PART)



Sick n sadistic I'm mentally twisted,
verbally gifted and herbally lifted,
I personally think this earth is depicted
In the wrong vision we're afraid ta admit-it.
I'm dead at Christmas while listeners sift-this.
Mister rich-script has somethin to say kids.
I'm sick, sadistic, back off with b**ch hits.
I'm here to rip it....do I gotta list it?

Verse 2
Entrapment of ashen colored compassion* lasting for today's rationed fassion,
In dissatisfaction i'll fasten a mashed-in* contraption ready for bashing backs-in.
cast a bag-in the back of the wagon* with the back-end dragin and my pants saggin.
And laughin, hop-in like nothin happened,* tear of my mask 'n start ta rappin.
Hit the curb with the hub cap,* crack it cuz I dodged an addict rat in traffic
Passed ticked, spot my. automatic, grasp it.* hop out like a rabbit passionatly blastin

One more edit befor new version...
(NOT TOUCHED)
If i could emerge as the real me, the sickest sadistic enemy,
An emcee with frenzied dreams of hysterectomies an vasectomies...
Id fester like bees when teased n'* carve out knees wit house keys n'*
bleed out sheep ta hear em bleatin,* while farmers plead "please let em be man!!"
No sympathy from me*
so hear my sinister scream let gleem an*
beam of dark greed off the arc'd beams of the barn ceiling. *
Mark the scene with caution posts,* in the middle..an esoph-a-gus ex-posed.
Lay a straw-hat by the fallen pro, whose sollum woes we'll never know.
step toe over toe alone down the stoned road onto an awaiting stain..
Find a lonely homie at home-he spots me through the window pain
..
Im ceaseless so smash the glass ta pieces, slice and entice a cold grievance.
Stand in peace over a seamless waste of skin that I tore seams in...
There's a crazed brigade through every vein so I'd do this as a tradition.
If the man had friends then I'd slam heads just ta end it with a submission.
I'm on a mission and non of me's missin the days where I was once normal.
Now done with wishin for acceptance to quickin, my mind's friggin immortal.
And when my spine tingles of bordem lord have mercy on backless *******s,
Trapped fury lingers so blurry pictures are ravaged like capless tackle.
I fumigate and illuminate backyards to find big dig spots
For luminous places for tombs of faces once know as big shots.

(Chorus)
(EDITED PART)



Sick n sadistic I'm mentally twisted,
verbally gifted and herbally lifted,
I personally think this earth is depicted
In the wrong vision we're afraid ta admit-it.
I'm dead at Christmas while listeners sift-this.
Mister rich-script has somethin to say kids.
I'm sick, sadistic, back off with b**ch hits.
I'm here to rip it....do I gotta list it?

Verse 2
Entrapment of ashen colored compassion* lasting for today's rationed fassion,
In dissatisfaction i'll fasten a mashed-in* contraption ready for bashing backs-in.
cast a bag-in the back of the wagon* with the back-end dragin and my pants saggin.
And laughin, hop-in like nothin happened,* tear of my mask 'n start ta rappin.
Hit the curb with the hub cap,* crack it cuz I dodged an addict rat in traffic
Passed ticked, spot my. automatic, grasp it.* hop out like a rabbit passionatly blastin

Redid verse 2 and this is what I'm looking at as of now....ha its been a journey but almost there. I'm proud of it

If i could emerge as the real me, the sickest sadistic enemy,
An emcee with frenzied dreams of hysterectomies an vasectomies...
Id fester like bees when teased n'* carve out knees wit house keys n'*
bleed out sheep ta hear em bleatin,* while farmers plead "please let em be man!!"
No sympathy from me*
so hear my sinister scream let gleem an*
beam of dark greed off the arc'd beams of the barn ceiling. *
Mark the scene with caution posts,* in the middle..an esoph-a-gus ex-posed.
Lay a straw-hat by the fallen pro, whose sollum woes we'll never know.
step toe over toe alone down the stoned road onto an awaiting stain..
Find a lonely homie at home-he spots me through the window pain
..
Im ceaseless so smash the glass ta pieces, slice and entice a cold grievance.
Stand in peace over a seamless waste of skin that I tore seams in...
There's a crazed brigade through every vein so I'd do this as a tradition.
If the man had friends then I'd slam heads just ta end it with a submission.
I'm on a mission and non of me's missin the days where I was once normal.
Now done with wishin for acceptance to quickin, my mind's friggin immortal.
And when my spine tingles of bordem lord have mercy on backless *******s,
Trapped fury lingers so blurry pictures are ravaged like capless tackle.
I fumigate and illuminate backyards to find big dig spots
For luminous places for tombs of faces once widely know as big shots.

Chorus

Sick n sadistic I'm mentally twisted,
verbally gifted and herbally lifted,
I personally think this earth is depicted
In the wrong vision we're afraid ta admit-it.
I'm dead at Christmas while listeners sift-this.
Mister rich-script has somethin to say kids.
I'm sick, sadistic, back off with b**ch hits.
I'm here to rip it....do I gotta list it?

Redid verse #2

I'm the face image for sinners ruthlessly violent.
Create visage for pillagers rediculously virulent.
Take evil to a level unrivalled by kindness,
And pin lethal people like I'm cutting a fine dress.
I cast darker shadows than medievel gallows at sunset.
Make martyrs of foul people, the rest best left unsaid.
Play dice games on steeples wreck cathedrals like porn sets...
Rep cuz no one strong enough to stop me's been born yet.
I'm sick as Ebola virus with developing Alzheimer's...
A Schizophrenic Oppenheimer missing all-his-incisors.
Evil enters like a needle and spreads like an oaktree. quote me.
I enter longtip'd and spread dope. look closely.
"The scale of evil is in everyone but the notes, seldom heard"
Sopahcles didn't know this bird, a Mozart to the word.
I fule brutal brigades for uprisings and taking,
breathtakingly dangerous when I see composure breaking.
I'm tasting vacant dark forces, and pushing darker performance...
Give Mormons a new prochecy,
Kill err one without prominence.

(Chorus..)
(3rd an final verse....)

This is basically up here for help so if one of you has something to say please do

Yeah again I like your work and I like your work ethic. Rewrites are where it's at..
My newest track's upto version 6 now. I think it's finally finished and I'm very glad I didn't stick with version 1.

Your lyrics are really deep and deft, I can't offer any general advice on it.

Just my opinion and perhaps not a conventional one but I feel that it could be improved by switching up that chorus each time it drops. could be done by changing just a few words each time to advance it's meaning somehow, or as wordplay, or even a few subtle changes in phrasing can give subtle but effective variance.
Sometimes it's better to repeat the chorus exactly the same, but for this particular piece I think switch ups would be a good thing. (unless you make the verses much longer in which case it might not).

Thanks bro. Yea re-writes strengthen a piece 10 fold. Unless its perfect the first time an cmom ....that doesn't happen.
Yea I hear what your saying about the chorus. I agree I'm not too pumped about it I feel its the weakest part...an it should br the strongest. Maybe I should switch it up like I said

Oh I like the chorus, I didn't mean that you change it.
I mean.. the chorus is repeated after each verse, but I suggest that instead of that..
..you use your exact written chorus after the first verse.
..and then a slightly different version of it after the next verse,
..and then another slightly different version of your chorus after verse 3.
I think that it might be interesting for this piece and add more progressive momentum, you get me?

Originally Posted by smoothtung

Unless its perfect the first time an cmom

legendary american improv poet jack kerouac said that first versions are always best (because it's somehow 'realer' or truer in essence).
Obviously I don't agree with him but there's something in it (rings true for freestyle rap's appeal anyways).

I want audio !