This Broken Child

Please don't touch my heart
It's still far too tender
I'm still running away from
All the pain I remember
Misery still breeds agony
I'm still washing away the pain
Even this gentle touch
Leaves me standing in the freezing rain

Chorus
You don't have to love me!
I didn't ask you to come near!
Don't touch me if you don't mean forever!
Do you know why you are here?
I see you laughing as you tease me
With a caress so mild
Do you know what you're doing
To this broken child?

Please don't play with me
Don't tease me with your velvet touch
I can't give the feelings back
I just can't love that much
I'm not what you think I am
Hardened eyes in an ugly face
Struggles through a lifetime
Still trying to find my place

Chorus
You don't have to love me!
I didn't ask you to come near!
Don't touch me if you don't mean forever!
Do you know why you are here?
I see you laughing as you tease me
With a caress so mild
Do you know what you're doing
To this broken child?

I want to feel
The love you gave
But I still see fake
I feel like your slave
You can't please me
So don't tease me
Memories leave nothing to say
Don't cry as I walk away...

Chorus
You don't have to love me!
I didn't ask you to come near!
Don't touch me if you don't mean forever!
Do you know why you are here?
I see you laughing as you tease me
With a caress so mild
Do you know what you're doing
To this broken child?

This broken child still cries...

Thoughts?

I like the theme of the broken child. The metre falters a bit, though in a more free singing style, I suppose it doesn't matter that much. I don't "hear" the tune, what kind of music would you set this to? The second line of your stanzas varies a lot in length, and the third stanza is significantly shorter overall than the other two. Again, this may or may not matter.

"With a caress so mild" - the 'so' is a filling word, it has no message of its own and I'd try and see if I could rephrase it without the 'so'. Maybe "your caress fakely mild"; you get the point.

I'd try to reduce the repeated use of "still" in the first verse - try to express that same dimension with a more varied vocabulary.

I would personally prefer a stronger contrast in the beginning of the third stanza, and I'm not sure what you mean by "I still see fake".

There's a good, intensive feeling to it. I take it "I" is female?

Actually "I" is male... Some of us do feel... LOL! And you are right, the structure could use some work. After reading your suggestions, I may do a version 2.... And, my bad.... the third "stanza" is an unlabeled bridge.... It may have a better feel knowing that. Thank you.

Oh! It's written as a slower rock ballad feel in mind. I forgot to answer that...

Well, that's positively unusual for a guy. Thumbs up. I sense INFx here

The third stanza makes much more sense as a bridge.

This should work very well as a rock ballad. I should like to hear the finished product.

Originally Posted by OrchestraInside

... and the third stanza is significantly shorter overall than the other two. Again, this may or may not matter.

"With a caress so mild" - the 'so' is a filling word, it has no message of its own and I'd try and see if I could rephrase it without the 'so'. Maybe "your caress fakely mild"; you get the point.

I would personally prefer a stronger contrast in the beginning of the third stanza, and I'm not sure what you mean by "I still see fake".

There's a good, intensive feeling to it. I take it "I" is female?

FIRST - 2NUMBERS: Great song. I love it. I feel it--it's honest, true, the stuggle to trust when your history gives you no reason to do so. Great job.

SECOND - O.I.: Wow, you sure give an honest and very good critique. I'll respond to the part I disagree with. "With a caress so mild" is far better than "your caress fakely mild." The "caress is so mild," to a person who's not received any kind affection. To neglected/abused people, any kindness is felt exaggeratedly, because they are so unused to it ... that they nearly cry over the tenderness. The "caress" is not "fakely" mild. It is truly mild, and emotionally deeply received. (There may be a language difference here between the songwriter and the one critiquing.) Afterall, an opinion's just an opinion--that's mine, by experience and what knowledge I possess. OWO.

"I still see fake" makes sense to me--maybe 2numbers and I are from the same area. It would read: I still see "fake." This colloquial (but acceptable) use of "fake" can refer to how the writer experiences anything kind or sincere (out of that person's realm), so it's all mentally feared to be "fake." That is, "fake" is used as an all-encompassing noun rather than an adjective. 2numbers would have to confirm if that's the right meaning. I can certainly see how you got the line you proposed, though.

I agree the 3rd stanza stands out a little awkwardly compared to the rest. Sometimes that can work if the music is already written--the music would carry it over and add interest. If the music's not written, some consideration and a little work might make it flow more smoothly. It doesn't have to be exactly the same as the rest. (Did you or 2#s say it might be a 'hook' or a 2nd 'chorus'?)

Originally Posted by OrchestraInside

1 - Well, that's positively unusual for a guy. Thumbs up. I sense INFx here

2 - The third stanza makes much more sense as a bridge.

3 - This should work very well as a rock ballad. I should like to hear the finished product.

Dear OI:
1 - Not unusual on ATL at all! You'll be happy to discover!
2 - Agree (or 'hook'--don't know all the implications of the various terms; people seem to use them interchangeably!)
3 - I'd like to hear that too!!

THANKS TO BOTH - FOR A GREAT SONG AND A GREAT CRITIQUE! I enjoyed it.
.............

P.S. What's INFx mean?

Thanks, FJ :-)

INFx = (I)ntroverted i(N)tuitive (F)eeling personality type, with "x" marking the last of the four pairs - I'd say 2numbers could be either J(udging) (=INFJ) or P(erceiving) (=INFP), but his song gives a very strong indication of I, N and F. I'm talking of Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). It was half a joke, I obviously can't know his MBTI results, nor is MBTI necessarily that indicative and certainly not explicit.

Yeah, my suggestion wasn't much, just a poor example. I still feel that 'so' is a word to fill a gap, not so much a word carrying a meaning of its own. That's just my interpretation (or gut feeling) though. I get "fake" better with the quotation marks, thanks. I'd say the way you sing it would make a huge difference in how it is understood.

I try to give it the way I like to take it :-)

This shows how a great song looks on paper.Just words......ah.but such good ones.Now,if you could get Neil Young to sing it,you'd be there!

2numbers: Don't want to get sidetracked from what's important--your song is very, very good. Thank you for creating and sharing it. I get a lot of personal meaning from it. I'll look forward to other songs/poems. (I do poems mostly; a few songs.)

OI: Thank you for the introduction into the simplified Jungian theory of personality. I already found mine. Hmmmmm . . . it's accurate, but don't know if I want to reveal! . . . And I'm glad you are an honest person in giving feedback. No one had commented on this song, and I never saw it until you discovered it. Thank you for that and for a very good critique.

I really like this song.

Thank you. ALL of you! These are the most in depth, mature, open minded and intense responses I have ever gotten (Though, not all are to me, the conversation that was incited made this write well worth it!)

I've never had psychology play a part in a response before and I thank OI for that!

Thank you FJ for your kind words! I'm glad that it touched you. This came from the heart and I'm glad that you felt it.

I can only hope that my other writes can illicit a similar response.

W.O.W. The first verse had me hooked!