Shadow Heat

"SHADOW HEAT" is my first song, written early a.m. 7-7-12. The South has been in the grip of merciless heat (100-105F deg./38-41C), inspiring this song. The lyrics were easily written and the music's in my head; it will be pounded out on the piano another day, after I get some sleep! I'd like to borrow a method from Doug Denslowe, describing the music for the lyrics. The sound is Lucinda Williams-style Southern rock-blues. Yet, in reality, it has more of the grit of (but a bit more tempo than) Janis Joplin's "Ball & Chain."*


EDIT 07-20-2012: DIRECTLY BELOW IS THE REVIEWED AND REVISED "SHADOW HEAT." MANY THANKS TO LONG-TIME SONGWRITER DOUG DENSLOWE FOR EXTENSIVE CONSULTATION TO REFINE THE ORIGINAL 'RAW' "SHADOW HEAT." (THAT VERSION IS STILL POSTED BENEATH THE LATEST REVISION.)



"SHADOW HEAT"


Days burn long…
Without relent.
Everything’s hot
As sidewalk cement.

How can I go on
And carry the pain,
Without a single drop
Of sweet honeyed rain?

[Refrain 1]
Take this Shadow from over me,
Or I will have to leave.
‘Cause it's a lonely street,
When the trees don't sway.
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away.

Let the sun scorch.
Let the air parch.
My mind is gonna march
Right on outta here.
Outta here!

Oh, I can work like a horse,
Be stubborn as a mule.
Or sink into the couch,
Throw out all of the rules.

[Refrain 1]
Take this Shadow from over me,
Or I will have to leave.
‘Cause it's a lonely street,
When the trees don't sway.
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away.

[Musical interlude]

Well, I’ve been
Burning and churning,
Succumbing.
It’s hot!

My eyes and my tongue
Distastefully stung
Because of
The salt.

Alone again,
Home again.
Then working
Incessantly
Lonely,
I’m lonely!
[two beats/one pause]
And hot!


[Refrain 1]
Take this Shadow from over me,
Or I will have to leave.
‘Cause it's a lonely street,
When the trees don't sway.
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away.


[Refrain 2]
Your shadow’s over me;
I can feel no relief.
Your heat is killing me,
Burning beyond belief.
‘Cause it's a lonely street,
When the trees don't sway.
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away
Make it go away…


Frankie Jasmine
Original lyrics - 07-07-2012


_ _ _ _ _


SHADOW HEAT - First draft


Days burnt hot and long
Without relent.
I spent time as wrong,
As the heat was hot.

[Refrain]
Make it go away.
Take the shadow from over me.
Make it go away,
Or I will have to leave.

Let the sun scorch.
Let the air parch.
My mind will march
Right on outta here.
Outta here!

I can work like a horse,
Be stubborn as a mule.
Or sink in the couch
Refuse every one of the
Rules.

‘Cause it’s a lonely way,
When the trees don’t sway.
And the grass is burnt
To a crisp.

Make it go away.
Take the shadow from over me.
Make it go away,
Or I will have to leave!

[Short musical interlude]

Well, I been
Burning and churning,
Succumbing,
Mind-numbingly
Hot.

My eyes have
Stung and my tongue
Distastefully
Spits out the
Salt.

Alone again,
Home again.
Then working
Incessantly
Lonely
I’m lonely!
[two beats/one pause]
And hot!

Make it go away.
Take the shadow from over me.
Make it go away,
Or I will have to leave.

There’s a shadow over me
That gives me no relief.
The heat is killing me,
Burning beyond all
Belief.
[One beat, then go straight to:]

Make it go away
Or I will have to leave.
Make it go away.
Take your shadow from
Over me.

Make it go away
Or I will have to leave
Make it go away
Take your shadow. . . .
[Refrain fades]


Frankie Jasmine
July 7, 2012
1:00 a.m.

_ _ _ _ _

* To hear a bit of Janis Joplin's "Ball & Chain," Post #4, 2nd song: http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/ge...s-singers.html

A couple Lucinda Williams songs are in Post #3, although they are not the tempo of "Shadow Heat."

I have an alternate ending that brings back in the "hot" theme:

Make it go away
Or I will have to leave.
Make it go away.
Take your shadow!
Take your shadow!
[pause]
I'm in a box!
[pause]
And I'm
Hot!

Very cool,I could hear Janis belting this out as I read it.I've got a suggestion for the second verse.They're still all your words,just in a different order;As the heat was hot,Time as fast I spent.That gives a rhyme with "relent".I hope you take this in the spirit it's meant;to improve your song lyric.If this is your first song,I can't wait to hear your second,and third,and fourth.......P.S. You may want to change the word "as"to "was";Time was fast,I spent.Or not,just trying to help.I like your original ending just fine!

Thanks for the advice, Doug. I want to consider some kind of change so that the first verse is more of a clincher. The way it's written now is the poet coming out in me--internal rhyme and near rhymes (burnt = internal + near-rhyme ... relent ... spent = internal ryhme ... hot = not even a near rhyme). Works fine in poetry; maybe not-so-much for the first verse of a song, huh? I need to ponder that. Thanks for the songwriter's point-of-view, something I hold no claim to!

Oh, and thank you so much for the "very cool, I can hear Janis . . . " compliment. Made me feel good.

I have never analyzed real-life songs from the angle of "content." I just listen and know what I like and what I don't. A song involves the whole art--music, lyrics, voice quality, phrasing, impact, etc.

Now that I have written this "song," I cannot even think about the lyrics of songs I've heard. My mind's a blank.

My questions are (considering this song is a raw, first attempt that needs fine tuning) :

* Is there enough "content" (substance) in this song to interest a hearer?

* Is the song "relate-able" enough with the physical references given (sun, air, trees, physical sensations) . . . as well as the feelings? Or does the combination of the "physical" and the "feelings/figurative" make the song confusing?

* In poetry,"unlike" things can be juxtapositioned, and it can work. That is, the fact that it's hot, but there's a (figurative) "shadow over me." As poetry, knowing there is a figurative shadow, may allow for the idea that the "heat" also is figurative.
I wonder: Is this combination of real and figurative concepts together good for song lyrics? Afterall, words are only sung once! This is unlike poetry where words written, can be read and re-read, and pondered over.

* These questions are hitting me for the first time--the difference between poetry and lyrics as art forms. This makes me wonder how good (or not) this song is from a lyrical standpoint . . . ?

Lyrics are a whole different world! What a novice I am! . . . So I invite input, please.
_ _ _

First lyrics changed. Still needs work.

Wow!!! You were inspired by heat, I have never heard something like that before.

@jzon: Your comment means more than you realize. Thank you! If you were HERE, you would be "inspired" or "expired" by it too!!

This verse:

There’s a shadow over me
That gives me no relief.
The heat is killing me,
Killing me beyond all
Belief.

Which reads and would sound better as a song?...

There’s a shadow over me
That gives me no relief.
The heat is killing me,
Burning beyond all
Belief.

???

Burning beyond all Belief,sounds better to me.It's more descriptive of the Sun/heat effect on people.More Real.Killing might be......
Overkill,if you know what I mean.Going over-the-top should be reserved for when it's really necessary.But,it's your song,your call.Doug Burn,Baby,Burn
One thing I want to add;good poetry doesn't have to be good lyrics,Good Lyrics Do have to be good poetry.My opinion,take it or don't.

Doug, I get it!

"Good poetry doesn't have to be good lyrics.
Good lyrics do have to be good poetry."

Is there a thread where lyrics writers can post words of wisdom such as this to help guide the greenhorns? If so, I would wish you would add this, Doug.

If not, could such a thread be started? It would certainly be fitting within the ATL Forum, IMHO.
_ _ _ _ _

@Doug, also thanks for the other help you gave about Shadow Heat. I am not rushing to make changes; I am contemplating what you answered and allowing myself time to process through how best to apply it.

Frankie,I sent you "my final changes"a few minutes ago.I just took out four words,two being the words "and".Short and to the point makes it over "Too many words,saying nothing"I hope I was of some help,Doug.Feel free to use whatever I write(give you)to whatever use you see fit,I trust your judgement.

First of all, I liked what I read very much. The chorus, in my opinion, is the strongest part of the song. Generally, the song has what they call originality. I have never seen heat as something negative though. There is one thing I would change, in the first stanza, I would expect a word that rhymes with "relent" in the fourth line. Something like:

Days hot and long
Without relent
I spent time as wrong
As the heat burns

(I don't know if this example makes sense, but this is what I had in mind).

Dear Zakynthos, Thank you! And you are absolutely right about the first verse. I have already re-worked the first half of the song, which now makes even more sense and rhymes. I've added an additional verse before the "refrain" or "chorus" also. The refrain has been reworked--yet keeping the same meaning--with the assistance of long-time songwriter Doug Denslowe.

Thank you so much for you input and comments. Please check back, because I will be amending the song at least once or twice more. I am a poet (amateur), not a songwriter--and this is my first try at lyrics. So your comments are especially appreciated by me!

I am glad you like the song. Oh. Heat in some parts of the U.S. is brutal, and people even die from it, especially the elderly, those who are not in good health overall, and sometimes even children. Kentucky--where I'm from--was in the grip of horrible temperatures, with high humidity, and no movement of wind. Just stagnant, intolerable heat. I've not heard a death toll yet from the state. I don't expect it to be high, but there will be some loss of life.

Even my husband, who is an athlete, eats well, exercises all the time, and is in great physical health (you get the picture) succumbed to heat exhaustion (or prostration) about two weeks ago. He had to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. We've had days and days when the temperature was 106F+ degrees. (I don't know what the C. temp is for that; but one C. temperature reference is listed above, prior to "Shadow Heat," if the online converter worked properly!)

Seriously, is 106 F (41 Celcious) the highest possible temperature there? Here today it reached 104 F (40 Celcious) on my island.

Oh, my dearest Zakynthos,

Some days were 108F. It does not sound so hot compared to some other places, does it? E.g., in the desert regions, in the tropics, and of course on your island.

Aaaah! Islands. How I wish I had been on one last week. When I visit the Islands (Keys) in the U.S., the heat can be tolerated. Even coastal cities along the mainland are okay. The air is purer, never really stagnant, and something about the lovely salt air is soothing.

The "heat-index" is closer to the real temperature. The "heat index" is determined by meteorologists and takes into account factors which cause the heat to have an adverse affect on humans and animals. The "heat index" has been at record highs across a wide swath of the U.S.
It finally "broke" several days ago, and is bearable again for a while.

There is only one other explanation, dear Zaknythos (I say primarily in fun and jest!)--either you and yours are a tougher brand of people, more accustomed to high temperatures than we are; or we here are wimps!! (Please smile!)

Being serious, though, when people start dropping (alive) unconscious or dead from the heat--it is bad for that area and those people. That is what I wanted to express. The reverse is true in the winter. Sometimes our winters can be harsh and people die. It must sound ridiculous from your hot island to hear tell of heat that is unbearable at similar temperatures!

I so much appreciate your attention to my song and asking your question. Why keep such a question to yourself? Then I would never know how you felt, what heat is like where you live, and the tenacious lot you must descend from!! Come visit the "Customs & Cultures" thread, where we discuss such things!

And please visit my song/poems again. Your input and presence have been stimulating and much appreciated! Truly.

I agree entirely. Here at night temperature falls dramatically. While at noon it can be 95-104F, at night it decreases to 68-77F, especially after midnight. Because we are surrounded by the sea, there is very much moisture. By the way, this is the most famous tourist attraction of my island: 1-Zakynthos-1.jpgnavagio-beach-shipwreck.jpg

I appreciate your kind words, too.

Wow. Speechless! [Ask anyone at ATL how close-to-impossible that is for me.]

Frankie Jasmine,
You describe this heat wave well and with some original language. I have been staying in air conditioned rooms as much as possible. It will cool off soon.
Jim

Heat: Island vs. Inland.... the difference between Miami (land-to-sea convection or vice versa) and Orlando (dead-still inland air) can be very noticeable. I could survive Miami, but you couldn't pay me to live in Orlando

As for rhymes Frankie, I myself think poetry is more demanding whereas songs are safer. I think it works just fine

07-20-2012: Revision of "SHADOW HEAT" is complete!


FYI: The actual heat here got up to 108 - 109F degrees. I was afraid to hear what the heat index actually was. Anyway, the worst of it is over for now. Don't wanna look up the death toll either; too depressing!