My Rap songs

I'm a newcomer in the forum, I'll introduce my self
I'm a young rapper, I write my own lyrics and I'd like to share them with you so you could give me some advice.
here are the first two songs I wrote:
the first one called : life in canton

lost, drowning in your problem
the story of your life is the failure anthem
listening to these rapper and saying one day I’ll be like them
but till that day drug and street are your only kingdom
you wanna make it from rag to rich
you think you are a player but you've never been on the pitch
felling like being the bench warmer everybody wanna ditch
you've been arrested three time for what you are calling" a slight hitch"
you think you've found a license to print money
if so why are you making ends meet so hardly?
i ain't saying you're a *****
but don't you think make something of your life more worthy?
do you really envision coming from nowhere and make a killing?
with out even giving a **** and not working
matter of fact you can't make a living
you are a dead man walking
I know how that feel to be left behind
hoping for one day to be signed
having a deal with a record company and blow mind
unfortunately all your offer have been declined
since your childhood you've been treated like a moron
you were ready to fight but then you turned your back on
thought once you'll be feared in your canton all your problem will be gone?
if so you're a piece of work
keep acting and behaving like a jerk
you've never stepped in a Kirk
bragging about how you've been stabbed with a dirk
you never score
some may think you are a confirmed bachelor
thinking your screams sound like a lion roar
actually I would have said a moaning *****
I’m just reading you the riot act
you should just back track
to realize what is your behavior impact
once you understand you'll make thousand stack

the second one called blind(i just haven't foudn any good name yet )

Part 1 :

Walking in these streets
No goals but to eat
Trying to survive
Fighting to stay alive
Running from problem
Over living in bedlam
Constant struggle
Trying to hustle
No mint condition
Worked at the gas station
A little snitch
A living hitch
No family but bros
No girlfriend but hoes
Jail seems unavoidable
No umbrella for drizzle
Smoking that Mary Jane
Waiting for the last train
Got a ***** pregnant
Always absent
Although abortion
Is not a solution

Part 2:

Willing for a better life
Running from night life
Making papers
Nothing else matters
Seeking for success
Reaching highness
Working all night
Ready to fight
A light purse
Is a heavy curse
Needless to say
This is a brighter day
A new start
A sweetheart
Forget about booz
And all your tattoos
A better life await
Just keep faith
Stay focus
Don’t turn bogus

I still have a lot to learn and I'd like you to help me to improve my writing skills

No one answered my post. However, i'll jsut post here my third sogn and this time can someone tell me if i have progressed pliz

Running away from my bitter past
Trying to forget cause nothing last
Back track over the last few years
To realize I’ve lived in fear
Of what tomorrow holds
Never could cross the thresholds
Always been a ditherer
Never ended a chapter
Hatred and love are just words
The only real thing is my empty purse
More bill everyday
But no money to pay
Married to misery
Guess money is mad at me
However, smoking weed, drinking jack
Won’t get me out of that trap
My life is a sitcom, haters are the audience
Think they play a role although they’re just nuisance
Wanna accomplish my dream
Ain’t gonna run out of steam
Ready to face all difficulties
Travel the world and the seven seas
Whistle past the grave yard
No matter how deeply scarred
I’mma keep my head up
No matter what happen, I’ll never give up

First, try to expand your rhyming. At the moment you seem to be using mainly monosyllabic rhymes (yard/scarred, dirk/kirk, jack/trap) when good rappers use a mixture of monosyllabic rhyme and multisyllabic rhyme, also using internal rhymes within lines.

Secondly, keep an eye (or ear) on the syllable count per line. When you write a bar, read it aloud as if you were performing it. If it doesn't naturally seem to have a rhythm then the chances are that the syllable counts in the 2 lines don't match. Try to keep the 2 lines with similar syllable counts.

I recommend reading the advice thread which is stickied and reading raps posted by other members. _SBU, smoothtung (also known as shaadow) and myself are usually posting regularly and are always willing to give advice.

Thank's for your help dude