Just something I'm thinking

I wasn't in it just for the fame but the games changed
I gotta let my head hang... Thoughts deranged..
Everyone around me is runnin wild and it's strange
rap is slowly dying but which person can I blame?

Now this is a story about a boy who had lost his head
May be a sad story where the kid is found at the end dead
But for that you'll have to figure it out as the song goes on
Because when you die, without history you're gone..

Little Jimmy Andrewson was a good kid at school had all the friends and people thought he was cool
Little Jimmy was low on money so he started a business, one that he would have to exterminate each and every witness
He wanted to be real, he wanted to live on the streets with gangbangers so he he started to turn on the heat
This passion inside of him started to burn, and when he bought drugs and the money started to turn, he knew he was part of the streets
Little did Jimmy know that in the end the streets always tear at your feet and start to run again at their own beat, he wasn't elite
Just a chump on the corner making change with his quarters for 30 a dime but he knew he had to step it up, it was time
He Started with coke the essence of his life, started to snort it too, become an addict over night
Stopped talkin to his family and all of his friends, he didn't want to be normal he was ready for his new life to begin
So little Jimmy walked down the back alley with a smile on his face and he had the ****-eating grin
He was about to commence into his new gang life, about to be a sinful child, a devilin's kin
Talked to his new crew about grabbin' a gun and shootin' up his school to show he was cool
The crew agreed to the assignment and let jimmy do as he pleased, so he walked into his school and on his trigger he squeezed..

Yeah..:
Little devilish child with the sin in his eyes
Knew he had to take over the world and contorted his mind
Down in his chest is now where his innocence hides
You'll never ever find it no matter how hard you try
Jimmy Is lost forever, even in his own god's eyes..
The devil has his back and he isn't ready to give it back
Jimmy has to do for his crew and complete one last task...

Back to the school story where every classroom was shot up and every body was gory
The police rolled up in the suvs with snipers and guns so this briefing was an ease
Target inside was the only one alive, had to shoot him in the head to end his wicked drive
But inside Jimmy knew that he felt so alive, and it was for this life his twisted heart would strive
he started to walk to the door before he noticed the lights flashing that weren't there before
He had to think quick and be fast on his feet, he knew if they caught him he'd have to admit defeat
He knew where his crew was, they were in the crack house that was in his vision, directly across the way
Jimmy not wanting to run astray had stuck to the plan, he laid explosive outside the school to prove he was a man
He started to run to the top of the building where he had put his trigger, he pulled on it and watched the sky turn into a bright red show
Jimmy knew it was over but he could never go home, for his crew had backstabbed him and conned him into doing work of their own
This was their town, their home and little Jimmy didn't deserve a place, for the crew didn't shoot people they liked to watch life drain out of the victim's face
So they sat across the way watching the gears turn until little Jimmy started to realize... He had been living a life full of the crew's lies...
He was watching innocent men burn and die so he felt to his knees and he started to cry, there was no turning back he had one last line
The boy cocked the gun back and make sure that it was tight against his head, he pulled the trigger and found out he wasn't dead
Little jimmy was in the hospital with a doctor staring straight into his eyes, his crew had left him and in prison he knew he'd be fried
Jimmy sat in his bed with .26 ounces of lead embedded into his head, it was starting to negatively effect his brain
Every time he breathed it became a strain, and his own mother disowned him because she knew he was mentally insane
One night he was sleeping and his old crew came in, the only one with a grin on his face was where the story had started to begin
Jimmy noticed the hate and want for death in each and every of their eyes, he silently said his prayers while sobbing and accepted his time
For Jimmy had started into the streets business, that once the task is over they have to exterminate each and every witness..


Edit: I wrote this on the spot I think later I'm going to take it and revise it into something nice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-b6qCVwcB0 Wrote it to this song.

Come on guys! Nothing!?!!

calm down man, haha, people have lives outside of this place too y'know. post your stuff and someone will comment eventually. I will, anyway.

first off, before I even read anything it doesn't look like it will flow well. I might be wrong but most of the time you can tell from the big differences in line length. if the length of the lines is always changing, the syllable counts almost always are too.

the topic isn't particularly original or enthralling but some of the lyrics you choose are decent enough.

Little devilish child with the sin in his eyes
Knew he had to take over the world and contorted his mind
Down in his chest is now where his innocence hides
You'll never ever find it no matter how hard you try

This stood out as a little piece that had flow, decent rhyme scheme and got a point across... I'm not going to lie and say it's amazing but it's on the right track.

For the most part, your story-telling is just a bit bland. It's like your making statement after statement, e.g. "this happened, then this happened, so he felt like this, and he did this." It's all very literal and not necessarily lyrical. Use similes and metaphors more to describe his feelings and choices, and try to word things that he did or things that happened to him in a way where we have to think about what happened. This gets the reader/listener more involved in the song and the story. Gives a deeper connection, instead of the face value, literal version, if you understand all that.

Overall, decent but the concept/story isn't as original as people think these days and the execution wasn't bad but not much stood out either.

Thanks for the criticism bro I appreciate it! And I wasn't angry, I just felt after 60 views I should have had at least one comment. Ya know lol?