this mile

the first song i ever wrote, sry if it kinda sucks
got the title wrong sorry, its supposed to be my mile

my mile
your smile
the tile
denial
the maybes
the save mes
i know what you gaves me

i wake up
and pray that
this is
a dream
but it still
seems to
be
real

i walk
this mile
my life
in denial
to see you
smile
and stay
for a while

you left
me
here
upon the
tile
alone and
no smile
left here
to walk
my mile
your smile
the tile
denial
the maybes
the save mes
i know what you gaves me
yes, i know what you gaves me
you gaves me a smile
an act of
denial
as you hit
the tile

Very clever!I like the way you posted it as well!Very unusual.Now that I've given you some feedback,feel free to give some other writers the same courtesy.

alright will do

I like this song too simple yet perfect. Check out some of my songs and poems on my thread tell me what u think.

I like the e.e. cummings style of writing. It cuts to the quick. You are very clear when you write; no extraneous words or "fluff." That's not easy at your age (or any age!). Congrats on your first song. You can be proud of it.

I believe that you are good enough that you deserve honest feedback; you are good enough that I think you can take it. So here are a couple things:

Title: The title is fine, but if you want to change it: Click "Edit Post," then click "Go Advanced." There you can change it in the title-box if you wish.
Changing of Title: Just an alternate consideration--it's in the poem also, "THIS MILE."
Repetition in poem: I like the repetition of phrases (stanzas) and repetition of word useage (mes/maybes). The one that might need work IMHO is "gaves me":

the maybes
the save mes
i know what you gaves me
yes, i know what you gaves me . . .

Some alternatives for your consideration--if you even choose to consider them:

"gave mes"

OR a change grammatically to:

I know all the "gave mes" (referring back to what the other person perceives as having given "so much" to you).

HOWEVER, if this gaves me is a flashback to a use of words between two people, and it needs to stay the same, you might consider putting it in quotes. This would alert the reader/hearer that it was a quirky, private "knowing" and way of speaking between the two. Instead of:

I know what you gaves me

How does this sound?

I know all the "gaves me"

Frankie you give so much time consuming feedback Im amazed by that. I wish I had more time to give in depth feedback you really help out a lot.

hahaha if anyone cares, i just realized that i sing this song to the same rhythm of blink 182's intro of apple shampoo

Originally Posted by Johnb31

Frankie you give so much time consuming feedback Im amazed by that. I wish I had more time to give in depth feedback you really help out a lot.

When I'm into giving feedback, I don't do much writing of my own!
When I glimpse talent, and someone trying, I feel they deserve a little bit of attention.
I know I sure did.
But thanks, John31!