the choice

Thread: the choice

Tags: first draft, lyrics, poem, poetry, rough draft
  1. Philip Wrobel said:

    Default the choice

    the result of a 20 min car drive today (rough draft, i would normally write one or two more drafts ) thought it would be interesting to get some input on the first draft instead of a latter one.

    hollow words on hollow pages
    empty cries of empty changes
    there's no hope, there's no love
    you say as if you're not beloved
    let me share with you this message my love

    there's a road we all must travel
    a choice we all must make
    and in the end time will unravel
    the lives that we forsake

    lonely days on lonely nights
    fading dreams in fading lights
    you're my hope, my beloved
    know that your well loved
    and when you need me just look above

    there's a road we all must travel
    a choice we all must make
    and in the end time will unravel
    the lives that we forsake

    (music and singing slows)

    there's a road we all must travel
    a choice we all must make
    and in the end time will unravel
    the lives that we forsake

    (music)

    *whispers* so choose me.
    Last edited by Philip Wrobel; 09-09-2012 at 10:48 PM. Reason: spelling
     
  2. Johnb31's Avatar

    Johnb31 said:

    Default

    Hey only one thing to fix from what I see "you say as if your not beloved" your would be you're as in you are any part in the song like that needs to be changed. Other than that this is really good I love the chorus It flows so well and it's just perfect and really reflects on the rest of the song.
    There is not enough space or time to truly let the song unwind
     
  3. Philip Wrobel said:

    Default

    i was looking over this song again, and noticed the second verse seemed a little choppy or off to me, any tips?