Experimental (feedback please)- first verse only

She went out and bought a dress
she got tired of waiting
this time she fought it less
she gave it all up because he promised her the best
he told her that he loved her and put his hands up on her chest
he stole her away and got her ***** to strip
he told her we dont need one if i only use the tip
she felt ashamed when he finally got finished
hair all over her head, innocence diminished
Monday she came to school and was quieter than ever
all of her friends were asking how they could make it better
she fed them all a fake smile
chokin back the tears, tryin not to break down
she saw him in the corner talkin with some friends
he stole her purity and now hes embarrassed to hold her hand
if only he knew that 9 months later he'd have to be a man

this was pretty good. I enjoyed the angle you took on the subject, the lyrics told a good story and produced some decent images. the flow & rhymes started off good but then seemed to fall apart later on... you must keep an eye on syllable counts and continue rapping it back out loud to make sure it fits. any syllables you're having to force in should be lost or the line reworded somehow. you also went from multi rhymes (bought a dress / fought it less) to mono rhymes (best / chest, strip / tip) to no rhyme at all (smile / down / friends) which I didn't understand... was that on purpose? I didn't get it.

anyway, like I say I thought this was a good. I'd encourage you to expand it with another verse or 2, also to reword a few lines to sort out the flow & rhyme issues.. but that's up to you. throw some similes in there too.

I like it. I like it a lot. Listen to my man ven and take it to heart ^ but you didn't lose rhythm til about the 4th to last line so change some ending words in those last lines to make them connect better but DONT change the subject for each line. Each line and bar you have coincides very nicely with the plot to this piece. You go about telling the story in a pretty uniquely cool way. I usually don't feel pieces like this.
Good job Charles