Break Me Open (Good-bye)

This a troubling song for some people who have read it, and I've caused a bit of a stir amongst my family and friends, but I still had to get this out there, lol. It's got nothing to do with me. It's just another story-type song. Just a troubling, sad one. From the perspective of a lost, suicidal kid, who's just tired of crying out for help. This is his final good-bye. Sorry in advance if it's too much for some people. I promise you, this is nothing I currently feel. I'm no longer that person. That being said, here's the song:

Break Me Open

I scream out loud as my world decays
Found myself but it was taken away
Holding tight to what’s left of me
But it’s the pain that lets me know I’m free

I feel the bones break through my skin
Anxiety as poison pours in
Drenched in the blood that brings me home
The voice inside says I’m not alone

Bring the blade across the throat
Releasing pain, free of hope
Now I’m at ease within my head
Although I’ll die, I feel alive again

So break open this chest of mine
There’s nothing left, nothing inside
I emptied my soul to escape the fear
Never thought the pain would lead me here

So break me open…
Break, break me open…to find me dead inside

I fall further away and I lose myself
Leaving behind this world for Hell
But the lies believed, force-fed to me
I choke on the words and I can’t breathe

Infected mind, infected heart
Take my soul and rip it apart
I’m bent and broken out to in
**** this world, let my end begin

So break open this chest of mine
There’s nothing left, nothing inside
I emptied my soul to escape the fear
Never thought the pain would lead me here

So break me open…
Break, break me open…to find me dead inside

Can you just leave me here?!?
Lost and hopeless , bound by fear
Can you just let me fall?!
Goodbye….GOOD-BYE!

So break me open…
Break, break me open…
I’M. DEAD. IN. SIDE!

I like the intensity, but I think you lose some of the edge by going a bit over the top. Tuning down a bit would help deliver the message IMHO - now it gets a bit comic. I wouldn't use the word 'poison' after anxiety - and all of that verse needs some reworking.

This might provide a little bit of inspiration:
http://manosettha.kottboet.com/?p=991

thanks for your honest critique. I appreciate it. To be honest, I'm not very fond of that particular verse myself. I wanted to reword it a lil bit but ended up settling with that verse due to it fitting the music more than the stuff I could come up with. Not my favorite decision, but it happened, lol. I also like that link you sent in your response. Very cool. Tahnks again for your honest opinion and I look forward to reading some of your stuff!

I'm not disagreeing but i think that intensity is a little bit about taste or preference and i like the line about feeling bones breaking through......i know a little about that feeling and i didnt feel that it was too much. But yea it should have mass appeal without being too alarming, like a news crew showing too mich death on the screen, its reality but not many ppl want to be confronted with it so openly. but I like this and always enjoy reading your work, i love great poetry and you have some real and serious talent

thanks Teshka I'm glad you enjoy reading what I post. Means alot. But you are right when you say it's like the news crew showing too much death and people not always wanting to be confronted with it so openly. I'll keep that in mind as I continue to write. thanks for sharing your opinion!