Lucky Charms

Ok, just heard this beat & lyrics started flowing. Not particularly great, but I think it's decently catchy or whatever. Let me know what you think, always like getting feedback. Only got a chorus & one verse (which itself is 4 bars short at the moment) but I'll be adding to it. The part in italics is the chorus, the bold is the verse and the 4 single dots represent the bars I'm going to fill. I've also included '//' at the points where I plan to take breaths during the song, maybe this will help you all understand my cadence. If not, well.. then I just wasted 20-30 seconds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr_DG...e_gdata_player

They say it's better to have loved and lost
Than to never even bother tryin' to love at all. //
So, I guess we were just another couple caught
In the middle of a torn hearts' thunderstorm. //
.. Would've given you the world, never mind the cost ..
.. Would've righted all the wrongs, never mind who's fault .. //
But I'm here.. just reminded by another song,
As the tears drop; fallin' on my lucky charms. //

(yeah)

She was the first girl to demonstrate how easy it can be
to take the pain you had from yesterday, & extricate the dread and hate,
just focus on the present day & try to find a better way.
Extirpate the negatives infecting all your mental states. //
Every day her temple graced my bed in her selected way.
Fine, tight; she gave me wild nights like the Everglades.
Kind of girl to always keep a record just to set it straight,
but 'though she kept her check on me, it never felt like checkmate. //
.
.
.
. //
But she got these reasons - mean she never let defences break
So when I told her that I loved her just to test the range;
I never would’ve expected the extent that her perspective changed. //

They say it's better to have loved and lost
Than to never even bother tryin' to love at all. //
So, I guess we were just another couple caught
In the middle of a torn hearts' thunderstorm. //
.. Would've given you the world, never mind the cost ..
.. Would've righted all the wrongs, never mind who's fault.. //
But I'm here.. just reminded by another song,
As the tears drop; fallin' on my lucky charms. //

I've been reading as you add on and I think you're doing well. There a select few lines that actually seem forced to uphold the rhyme scheme rhythm (and I suggest you keep looking to better them) but everything else is real cool. I like the story line also so don't get so carried away in adding that flair, that color to the piece, that you eventually start to lose it. I know you're in a multi stage, have been for a minute for what I can see, (and you're getting good at it) but some messages are stronger when sent in a blunt way you know? Some lines shouldn't be tiptoed around. I think that applies here for some. But all in all this is good v, 'you've been impressing me greatly lately'

yo smooth, be specific man. which lines ain't you feelin?

I do get kinda tied up in exhausting strings of multis sometimes & when I was going freestyle over the beat I changed scheme 4 times.
It's just when I sit to write my brain locks in on one string. Obviously, it can be changed.

That's what happens to all of us I think. Or at least me as well, I have the same problem. And everytime I look back on a piece It will always follow a different beat, well the same type, but it will slow down or speed up.
And as for specifics; I think before 'Try to find a better way' there should be 4 sylobals. It strengthens the flow between the lines infront and back of it.
Uh; I think you forced the lines about the Everglades. Probably because of the end rhyme, which you should keep I think. The set-up though is strange. Just sounds forced that's all.
The next line 'keep a record just to set it straight' is golden though.
- 'depths of hate' sounds abit forced again, just seems akward.
- and 'domestic frays' the same thing ^
But then the very next bar is genius. So you have a good piece with a lot of potential. Just don't be contempt with something you feel sounds a bit rushed or akward. If it seems it to you, other readers will pick up on it as well.

Big Props Venom! Nice song..Nice Beat..Nice Story!
Kill that
and put that in the studio and fell that!

Originally Posted by smoothtung

That's what happens to all of us I think. Or at least me as well, I have the same problem. And everytime I look back on a piece It will always follow a different beat, well the same type, but it will slow down or speed up.
And as for specifics; I think before 'Try to find a better way' there should be 4 sylobals. It strengthens the flow between the lines infront and back of it.
Uh; I think you forced the lines about the Everglades. Probably because of the end rhyme, which you should keep I think. The set-up though is strange. Just sounds forced that's all.
The next line 'keep a record just to set it straight' is golden though.
- 'depths of hate' sounds abit forced again, just seems akward.
- and 'domestic frays' the same thing ^
But then the very next bar is genius. So you have a good piece with a lot of potential. Just don't be contempt with something you feel sounds a bit rushed or akward. If it seems it to you, other readers will pick up on it as well.

cool, thanks for the feed. I'll try & change some things around.

which wording do you like best for the "record straight" line:

"kind of girl to keep a record just to set it straight" or I like the flow of "kind of girl that always kept a record just to set it straight"

adding 2 syllables improves it I think, also changing "keep" to "kept" adds another element of assonance.

aw, you ain't feelin the Everglades? I thought that bar was iight.

"every day her temple graced" - her body's a temple;
"my bed in her selected way" - she was always experimenting, taking control
"fine, tight; gave me wild nights like the Everglades" - self-explanatory but a nice simile IMO

I'm sure you already understood all that.. maybe it just doesn't seem as forced to me.. I dunno

I got the 'temple' as being a body and all that, I like that.. I picked up on everything I just think you can find something more creative to infer 'fine, and tight' I'm not saying the line isn't cool or well put together. You asked for specifics so I'm just putting these out there.
And instead of 'selected way' I was meaning it should be 'selective way'

And as far as record straight, I thought the way you have it now fits just about perfectly..

Originally Posted by smoothtung

I got the 'temple' as being a body and all that, I like that.. I picked up on everything I just think you can find something more creative to infer 'fine, and tight' I'm not saying the line isn't cool or well put together. You asked for specifics so I'm just putting these out there.
And instead of 'selected way' I was meaning it should be 'selective way'

And as far as record straight, I thought the way you have it now fits just about perfectly..

yeah I thought you already got it... I'll think it over. selective carries like a connotation of being fussy over here, s'why I avoided that.
but I could give it a try. I agree with the 'fine, tight' thing. to be completely honest that's just there to allow a little change of pace on the delivery.

yo, what you think of the "checkmate" line as a replacement for "domestic frays"? I think it's an improvement, but feels a bit cheesy...

Wow. yeah. that's superb stuff Venom'.
Deft flow; your technical abilities are especially impressive. The content's nicely handled too, it's hard to write about that theme with the right tone/mood/angles, so props for that. I wouldn't advise much change if any, just writing more of it and recording it.

"kind of girl to keep a record just to set it straight" or I like the flow of "kind of girl that always kept a record just to set it straight"

The latter sounds far better to me, plus that tense fits the context of record keeping.. Great line either way.