I carry on

Hi all, new here. I've only recently begun trying my hand at lyrics. I wonder if these lyrics make any sense to you, or if they touch you on any level? I'm not necessarily trying to convey only one thing but quite possibly more than one, so interested to see what you make of them.


I was made of flesh and blood,
a man's love or his need;
of a woman's faith or fear,
of movements in the deep.
A whim of Gods, a game of odds,
a heave, a sigh, the game was lost...
I carry on,
I carry on.

Chorus:
We fly Pan Em to Circenses
my soul despises what he sees
but since I am on board,
my life can't be outsourced;
I carry on,
I carry on.

I must have a crucial fix,
aye, I must nail the heart,
else I go too far for kicks
and will be torn apart.
My soul is sick, my mind is weak,
I shall, I will, I climb the peak
I carry on,
I carry on.

Chorus:
We fly Pan Em to Circenses
my soul despises what he sees
but since I am on board,
my life can't be outsourced;
I carry on,
I carry on.

The final stop is up ahead,
around that cross of roads
I'll say my thanks to destiny
for this convincing hoax,
for all the frills, the bloody kills,
the heave, the sigh, the game of kings,
I carry on,
I carry on.

A little hard to understand,but after googling Circenses,it's even harder to figure what you were going for.Since you're new here,I'll say the same thing as I do to others wanting feedback;give some it's a good way start out.

I'd be surprised if you found it on a map... It's a twist on a line from Juvenal, "panem et circenses" (bread and circuses).

Right, I'll look around to see if I find something I can comment on. I generally feel that I have very little to say on topics such as love... But maybe I'll find something where I can contribute nonetheless.

OI;
That's exactly what I did on your Thread,I didn't have much to say,but I knew you'd appreciate ANYTHING!People just want a little something,"I like it"or anything that comes to mind is cool.I read what you said on the Thread you commented on,I thought the suggestion was a worthwhile critique.Glad to have you aboard,hope to read a lot more in the future.I'll never think of circuses in the same way again!

Hi

I hear you something to help your lyrics. I'll bite.

The way I read this its a real deep piece ...not very commercial if that is what you ar looking for...the language is not easy to understand. You have diluted your title by overusing it in the verses. Keep it for the chorus.

I wouldgo back

I don't know what its about other then the title...I carry on...your metaphors are all over the place. The second verse sounds like you r complaining...which in itself is not bad but I don't get a feeling for it to go with. I wouldn't worry about rhyme I would make sure each line makes sense and works with the title. Your verse lines should still make sense when you put I carry on after them. That's enough of my opinion...

The paragraph you just wrote explains it. So write that story. Start off with some of it in your first verse.

I was made of flesh and bone
living in a short sighted pleasure focused world

When your thoughts are all over, sometimes its better to write a paragraph about the idea then condense that paragraph down to a sentence. The lyric should be easier to write after that. Get specific. No matter what type or style of music you write having the listener right with you in the journey is always a good thing.

I feel what you are saying much more in this version. I like this version! Nice...

I went and looked up Cohen's work. He is a great writer and speaks like he's talking to a friend. I can understand what he is saying as if I'm in the room. He has very cool lyrics. Like these 2...

Aint No cure for Love

I loved you for a long, long time
I know this love is real
It don't matter how it all went wrong
That don't change the way I feel
And I can't believe that time's
Gonna heal this wound I'm speaking of
There ain't no cure,
There ain't no cure,
There ain't no cure for love.

First We Take Manhattan

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
For trying to change the system from within
I'm coming now, I'm coming to reward them
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

dude its a great effort, how was your imagining the tempo of the lyrics and how it flows maybe that will help others to read it the way you do and will help them see what you was trying to achieve but still lyrically its good