Contemplation - First time writing a story

Contemplating

Got a call from my amigo on the otherside of the grid...said someone tried to take his life and then threatened the kids


Asking if there was anything I could do to relieve his tension...I said I could take the fools picture but its gonna be a chunk of pension
He said just name the numbers and then make em leave this dimension...Told em I need 50 on the front to consider this mark's life in current suspension

So he said meet me back at my house and we would go over the plan....This gameplan you do not get to know man, just him being a non issue anymore understand
He asked if I needed to take anymore info other than get rid of this man...Ill take that address and name his local spots and then you never ask me anything again
A simple reply of your wish is my command, for he knew how stought my intentions are with any caliber in my hand,when I was a young boy he treated me as a grown man
For this mans wish id do it for free but life aint that cheap not anyone can.....This short stack put this sissies life on a short leash and pay per gun sight view on demand

3 days later my boy calls me up and told me where to check the cash...Told em no more contact after I look up the stash and no questions after I smash
So I went back to the house and picked up the stolen hotwheels stash....On my way to recon im itchin for this death like he is calmine cure for my rash
Seen em talkin to his crew and thinking with the mossberg he wouldnt see the flash.....but then dippin out the group would hem me up on the backroads in my dash
Just keepin this all business nothin personal so dont need the backlash.....My face and rep is well known on the otherside but here im just another cache
Even if it came down to it though they are in for a simple mismatch...His whole team could wear my shots nastier than a mustache

I decided to take my notes with obvious consideration and to get em alone....Maybe my peril in life was trying to keep it all business regardless of the first stone
Latter in the story my business approach gets caught up in personal I never condone.....Hating how they did my friend n his family left me with more vindication for rattling his dome
Go back to where im well known pick up my tools to blow his frame out the ozone....So picked up a virgin mossberg for splittin his chestbone ,and a 45 for the waist in case cant catch em alone

Heard some news about my friend puttin out other contracts with broken contacts....I told them it aint nothin to me for I shouldve known to pay attention to my facts
Nothin is more vinyl than listenin to street news like pluggin in some earwax....Took another hotwheels for the upside of town needs to the diversion of caddilacs

I put me a scout in motion to check his whereabouts and his rhythym in spots....He told me on fri night he only hits 3 places and then its straight to the same spot, with a new piece on the cot
So to get em stuck with a side girl who dont know em is better than a full crew onslaught.....Two lives might be tooken is better than mine so thats the systematic business plot
Been trained by the best so I know how to ring out whats needed and never be caught...For this is what my life has been trained for for and through trial by fire ive been wrought

Finally got through all the traffic and got the check of a green from my inside source.....Its time for another clockwork to unfold and the consistency of the emotionless remorse
Was told he had left the last place and 20 minutes out to complete his final course....Loaded up my rounds and shells for this unique contract I was about to finally endorse

The adrenaline wasnt relevant for this wasnt my first time to complete a similar deed....Ive found a sick joy in seeing the pleading for more life and watching targets bleed
His car pulled up with all the tricks and trim for a inflated ***** taking part in much greed....There is a big difference in playing this game for fun or just keeping mouths to feed
I was parked up in the back street, hopped out the cts to end end what was agreed....He has some strange with em as I expected so I crept up and racked the pump to issue the creed

Told em both to stop in their ****in tracks or their insides meet the ground....Solid in their tracks they froze like ice and time not even a sound
The ***** started saying please I didnt do nothing to be considered confound....Simple remark for the slot you have done made your bed so sorry your bound
Rolling with tyranny street kings and worshippin their upside down crown.....Its almost as if I could hear his hesitations and the deeper edge of his frown
For he had thought his actions was forever lost and now he had been found....I left out the intermission let loose with the shots and put em both down in the devils playground

So after unloading the entire half dozen, start to turnin em over and the ***** was my own cousin, my emotions went from solid to lost breath without the huffin, then some cars came out of nowhere with red and blues - u know the ones who do the cuffin...

To my own vengeance and how bad I hate a cop...I pulled the 45 out the waist and had to pop....Had one left in the chamber n no extra to face the flop, so put the barrel to my temple n pulled the trigger - made my own heart stop

nice to see you try something different, story was ok. nothing special, though.

I mean.. the main problem is that it's obviously not true. If you're going 1st person like "I did this" & "I did that", then it's much MUCH better if it's true, or if it feels true, anyway. Otherwise it's probably better to use 3rd person stories about other people (or made up people) where the story is just to highlight some problem you see in society or something. Takes a lot more thought & care when putting it together, but that's what I wanna see from you. Thought & care.

Now, I'm not saying any of this to have a go at you. I just see potential & I'm offering some tips.

I'm getting more & more annoyed at your structure. It's not very nice for the reader to look at & I think it's causing problems for your flow too. Like, some lines are WAY longer than others.. but more importantly, the 2nd half of the lines are longer than the 1st halves, which means every line is losing flow.
I highly recommend pressing enter & just dropping down to the next line instead of separating with "......." This will help you notice whether the second half is too long or not too.

rhymes are still too basic for me too, only 1 word.. 2 syllables max (from what I can remember).. I'd like you to show more skill than that, if you can. Like why not rhyme 4 or 5 syllables? doesn't have to be every line but once or twice will at least make the reader think "ahh, ok.. this guy can rhyme".. y'know?

thanks for the insight indeed

I tried to break down words into other words through other lines and seems like it was just simply ignored,never given its due credit (for out of all post(post 259 come get slaughtered thread) to quickill not to call him out or anything,just its position) - thats the only one post I know is beyond sick) or just everyone skipped over it, or they never stated why they didnt like it. Either way it seems that if you go deeper, from my personal opinion, not many will catch onto it or want to acknowledge how "hard" you put into it.

Take Care

what do you mean when you say "break down words into other words through other lines", you mean in terms of rhyming or disses? can you give an example here.

Yeh Im not too good with the quoting thing on here, one sec

Hey I responded to the wrong post, I showed you an example on that give me a subject thread, dont want to double post or anything.