Untitled

This is a song I've been working on with the rhythm guitarist of my band, we decided to put it up for multiple reasons, the one you get to know is that we wanted feedback on, hope you like it.
So yeah, would really like some feedback on it please, recommendations on parts that could be changed, things like that, it would be really helpful.
Btw I wasn't trying to rhyme
Everything up to the screams i was thinking should be calm or at least not very heavy, in the rock area at the most.
In the extensions just before the first screams i wanted silence i also wanted quiet instruments to come and build up during the screams and then a breakdown to come after the screams, this breakdown would most likely lead to a mini solo or a break of lyrics, but after the breakdown the music would become heavier and faster. That's really the best i can described what i was imagining in my head.
So here it is.

I stood there just waiting
Tried to talk
You just ignored
I couldn’t stop
You pulled me in
Made me your everything

I fell for you
But you found him
Pushed me down
I couldn’t get back up
I climbed, I climbed
But there was never light

My heart was torn
I gave you my all
I treated you as best I could
But you just threw up
And now------(screams) you’re ****ing screwed(/screams)

(screams)Ima come find you
I’ll rip you apart
I’ll drag you down with me
***** don’t **** with me
You will regret this
You will regret this(/screams)

I fell for you
But then you found him
Pushed me into that dark pit
I couldn’t get out
(screams)I climbed, I climbed(/screams)
But there was never light

(screams)He kicked you
You cried
Bet you’re ****ing happy now
You chose wrong----
But now I’m gone
Find someone else to cry on(/screams)

(screams)Don’t act like you don’t care
I know you
I loved you
You can’t hide **** from me
You screwed up
Find someone else that cares(/screams)

No chorus,no hook,no bridge........ballsy!It's hard to judge "bare bone lyrics"that don't rhyme.(only speakly for me)but there's something about these I like,or I wouldn't bother to respond.That being said,good story telling,but is it slow,fast,a shuffle,a waltz,if you gave me more to go on,I could give you a better critique.If you let the reader in on more than just the lyrics,the people might give you more feedback.

Thank you, thats the best comment on these i've had i dont know how to write those three thing, we just sat down and thought them up in a free period, so i know i have a lot of work to do Ill update it to give more of an indication than you

Originally Posted by WarbeastWMD

Thank you, thats the best comment on these i've had i dont know how to write those three thing, we just sat down and thought them up in a free period, so i know i have a lot of work to do Ill update it to give more of an indication than you

If you're writing this during a "free period" then they're better than I thought.Being able to put together song lyrics in school should be applauded.I wish I was doing it while I was still in school.Seriously,super good use of your time!!

Originally Posted by WarbeastWMD

I stood there just waiting
Tried to talk
You just ignored
I couldn’t stop
You pulled me in
Made me your everything

This stanza is pretty stale, in my opinion. But has a pretty rhytmn to it.

I fell for you
But you found him
Pushed me down
I couldn’t get back up
I climbed, I climbed
But there was never light

This is the best stanza I think

My heart was torn
I gave you my all
I treated you as best I could
But you just threw up
And now------(screams) you’re ****ing screwed(/screams)

Cliche....cliche, although it's cool to imagine it being screamed.

(screams)Ima come find you
I’ll rip you apart
I’ll drag you down with me
***** don’t **** with me
You will regret this
You will regret this(/screams)

\m/ lol. I like how you repeat those two last lines, the rest.... not so much.

I fell for you
But then you found him
Pushed me into that dark pit
I couldn’t get out
(screams)I climbed, I climbed(/screams)
But there was never light

(screams)He kicked you
You cried
Bet you’re ****ing happy now
You chose wrong----
But now I’m gone
Find someone else to cry on(/screams)

Yes yes, I will.

(screams)Don’t act like you don’t care
I know you
I loved you
You can’t hide **** from me
You screwed up
Find someone else that cares(/screams)

Overall, I think these lyrics works. And can be put into a song, which you probably already have. It's a typical cliche punk/screamo song, which I don't necessarily despise. If done correctly, a punk band can be good on many levels(If that's what you are? lol) Anyways, as a title suggestions for this perhaps..."Spasm Of Hormones"?...just kiddin ^^

You know how to write, so keep it on going. Try to experiment and start analysing other people's work, for the sake of inspiration!

Thank you Umm well actually we're a metalcore/post-hardcore band, well at least thats what we're trying to be, but thank you Well i was thinking of "A brother? W T F" But wasnt really sure about it so i left it untitled.
I will thanks

Title suggestion:Free Period Blues

ummm thanks but it doesnt really work, i mean its not very... metal it just sounds soft

Originally Posted by WarbeastWMD

Thank you Umm well actually we're a metalcore/post-hardcore band, well at least thats what we're trying to be, but thank you Well i was thinking of "A brother? W T F" But wasnt really sure about it so i left it untitled.
I will thanks

Ah sorry then, yeah. Metalcore bands tends to have these kind of lyrics as well. But cool nontheless Perhaps...."Raging From The Pit" ?

Yes that's it we have gone with that thanks