A Dying Dream

Thread: A Dying Dream

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  1. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

    Default A Dying Dream

    Dying Dream

    Lost and old she sees herself
    Lurking in the light of youth
    Hope is rotting in the shell
    of all she's ever held as truth.
    With sightless eyes and scalding tears
    She falls backwards into night
    Calling, knowing none can hear
    Her broken wings betraying flight.

    Winter lasted far too long
    Her bones grew brittle from the cold
    What once was right has turned to wrong
    Now nothing else can save her soul.
    She'll drown inside her dying dream
    And feel the promise turn to dust
    And as she dies she'll hear them scream
    "She's only like the rest of us."



    I only did this to see if I could write something dark. It’s in the same meter as Poe’s Spirits of the Dead.
    Last edited by Teshka; 04-22-2013 at 09:54 PM.
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  2. MoonRide*r*'s Avatar

    MoonRide*r* said:

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    You can. And it's scary.
    There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war.
    :
    Rockers Unite! =>
    ROCK 'n' Roll Halls of Fame
     
  3. Johnb31's Avatar

    Johnb31 said:

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    I really like this, it seems to be very dark and I love it!
    There is not enough space or time to truly let the song unwind
     
  4. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Thank you guys !!
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  5. amaryn's Avatar

    amaryn said:

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    @Teshka: "her bones grew brittle from the cold" beautifully written, frightening enough!
     
  6. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Thank you amaryn and there is some symbolism in that line as well as literal meaning.....the "bones" of the soul becoming fragile to the point that the heart can figuratively shatter like anything else. Maybe thats obvious but i wanted to say it anyway
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  7. Frankie Jasmine's Avatar

    Frankie Jasmine said:

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    Have you crawled into my mind, Tess?

    I would not have thought you were "trying" to be dark. Usually that ploy ends up overly dramatic, which your poem is not. "A Dying Dream" flowed out of you as though it was some hidden, inner part of yourself; it rings true. So . . . whatever technique you are using to delve into other areas in poetry, keep doing it. It is working "naturally" for you.

    Good work. Love the ending. I want to say more, but sometimes "less" is better!
     
  8. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frankie Jasmine View Post
    Have you crawled into my mind, Tess?
    that's kinda funny (but not exactly that) bcs i was wondering about myself (lol) but also around the time that i wrote this i was remembering a "goth" friend that i had for a little while in college, and the thing is that she was 99% normal but she just didn't know, bcs she was so shy or withdrawn that she saw everyone else as "outside" of herself and that seemed to make her afraid to be "in the light" of day to day existence. But i suppose, or i know that everyone is like that in some way......which explains the ending in one way, tho not in every way.....bcs the ending is also a "fall" into reality..... of life and of death.
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  9. amaryn's Avatar

    amaryn said:

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    Finland has an overdose of goth youngsters. Amazingly enough young!! To face the facts of life and death is hard. They rather retreat. You could compare them to scary animals in the woods.strange as youngsters are supposed to "forget" ageing! Read your poem many a time. Absokutely love it!
     
  10. amaryn's Avatar

    amaryn said:

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    Sorry mobile mistakes. Travelling
     
  11. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    TY again amaryn

    yea typing on cell, especially with long nails....and trying to go back and place the cursor to fix mistakes is even more irritating >.<
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  12. amaryn's Avatar

    amaryn said:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Teshka View Post
    TY again amaryn

    yea typing on cell, especially with long nails....and trying to go back and place the cursor to fix mistakes is even more irritating >.<

    My guitarnails tell a story of their own
     
  13. Doug Denslowe's Avatar

    Doug Denslowe said:

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    This is real neat-o!!!
     
  14. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Thank you Doug!
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  15. Eccer's Avatar

    Eccer said:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Teshka View Post
    Dying Dream

    Lost and old she sees herself
    Lurking in the light of youth -
    Hope is rotting in the shell - I particulary love the flow of these two lines.
    of all she's ever held as truth.
    With sightless eyes and scalding tears
    She falls backwards into night
    Calling, knowing none can hear
    Her broken wings betraying flight. - I love this line, such flow and meaning that can be extracted from it

    Winter lasted far too long
    Her bones grew brittle from the cold
    What once was right has turned to wrong
    Now nothing else can save her soul.
    She'll drown inside her dying dream - goood
    And feel the promise turn to dust
    And as she dies she'll hear them scream
    "She's only like the rest of us."





    I only did this to see if I could write something dark. It’s in the same meter as Poe’s Spirits of the Dead.
    How did I miss this one? ^^ Good work, you should pursue more writing Teshka
     
  16. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    Thank you Eccer

    The thing is I've been exhausting my brain on my part-time job (and loving it) while also trying to learn FL Studio so that one of these days maybe i can actually write a whole song and as part of that i've written half a dozen lines 2 or 3 dozen times but i haven't come close to finishing anything at all.....haven't even done much reading in the Lyrics and Poetry sections either for way too long. But yea thanks for the encouragement! but i'm not the real talent around here, obviously there are quite a few better writers that i can't even try to keep up with, like you and Doug and several others
    Last edited by Teshka; 03-24-2014 at 05:19 AM. Reason: sebetal?? fixed typos
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~
     
  17. Teshka's Avatar

    Teshka said:

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    .....and ofc my sweetie Moon, bcs it was one of his old poems from about 3 years ago that gave me the thought of trying to write something like this. I'm just a copycat
    Music is what feelings sound like
    Listen to the Love
    ~♥♥~