First draft of my very first song, need review please

Hi, first of all...be gentle. This is my very first time letting anyone ales read what I write. I have been writing all my life,but never before texts intended to become a song. This is a well hidden dream of mine,and I'm now starting my journey to make it come true...

1:
Sitting here thinking about it again
its been 6 mounts since I decided
to give it a try
Nothings changed since then
I'm still here doing nothing

Ch:
I wanna live my dream
not gonna waist this one life that has been given to me
I'm gonna jump in
give it a chance, cause this my life
and I'm gonna
live the dream

2:
I'm scared - afraid of ruining the dream
Maybe its better of staying as a dream
Or maybe I should quit those thoughts
And do what I still haven't done yet

Ch.

3:
I have to believe I can tell myself that its
gonna be alright
There is nothing to fear
just a whole lot to gain
I've been living to long in the shadow of my dream
Its time to make it my life!

Pjuhhh....well, that's it you guys. I know there is a lot of technical errors and all that....but be gentle on me, honest but gentle To be honest this is nerve wreaking...
This is the first draft. Is here anything to work with?

Originally Posted by MissMay3

Hi, first of all...be gentle. This is my very first time letting anyone ales read what I write. I have been writing all my life,but never before texts intended to become a song. This is a well hidden dream of mine,and I'm now starting my journey to make it come true...

1:
Sitting here thinking about it again
its been 6 mounts since I decided
to give it a try
Nothings changed since then
I'm still here doing nothing

Ch:
I wanna live my dream
not gonna waist this one life that has been given to me
I'm gonna jump in
give it a chance, cause this my life
and I'm gonna
live the dream

2:
I'm scared - afraid of ruining the dream
Maybe its better of staying as a dream----||Maybe it's better if it stays a dream|| (I put this suggestion because it sounds more fluent [imo])
Or maybe I should quit those thoughts
And do what I still haven't done yet

Ch.

3:
I have to believe I can tell myself that its
gonna be alright
There is nothing to fear
just a whole lot to gain
I've been living to long in the shadow of my dream
Its time to make it my life!

Pjuhhh....well, that's it you guys. I know there is a lot of technical errors and all that....but be gentle on me, honest but gentle To be honest this is nerve wreaking...
This is the first draft. Is here anything to work with?

This isn't bad and has lots of promise. Although I am more apt to like rhyming in my songs; with the right music that doesn't have to be. Many songs out there that don't rhyme. I think you have to many "dreams" in here though. (imo) maybe throw "envision" or "vision" in there. I like what you are shooting for story wise, and if I may suggest...If you look at the syllable count of each verse you can see that it varies and in the case of Vs.3 it is way different. Now again with the right music, that can be a non problem, but if you have no music, it helps to keep the verses the same or real close to the same amount of syllables in each verse to give the musician room to breathe to keep the same beat or cadence of the song intact throughout. The lyrics are not bad and just need some tweaks. It's obvious you have good writing skills and I think with some tweaks, you can take a good draft and make a great song. Good draft and good write and read. Thanks for sharing MissMay!

Nice work! It's a lot better than my first song.

First of all; Thank you guys for those amazingly kind and inspiring words. I don't think you'll ever know how much it means to me. I've experienced that its nerve wreaking putting "it" out there for others to judge. Its so personal. I have been so afraid of the feedback,that I almost gave up this dream of writing,but you guys helped me over my first hurdle. Thanks!!!

Then over to the song

1: I haven't made any changes to this verse.


Ch:I've added "right" and removed "and".
I wanna live my dream
not gonna waist this one life that has been given to me
I'm gonna jump right in
give it a chance, cause this my life
I'm gonna live the dream

2: Here I have more trouble. Done a lot of changes... In the first sentence,what I want to get through is that I'm afraid of letting the dream out there and by doing so killing it because of failing. Any suggestions?

I'm scared - afraid of ...("killing it")
Maybe its better of staying right where it is now
inside my heart
Or maybe I should quit those thoughts
And do what I still haven't done

3:
Here I have replaced "I have to believe I can tell myself that its gonna be alright" as the first sentence with "I gotta start believing,tell myself its gonna be alright".
"There is nothing to fear, just a whole lot to gain" replaced with "No more fear - ........ got so much to gain". Where the dotted line is I'm having trouble finding the right words to express what I mean. Any suggestions????
"I've been living to long in the shadow of my dream" replaced with "I've been living to long in its shadow
Its time to make it my life!"


I gotta start believing,tell myself its gonna be alright
No more fear ......
got so much to gain
I've been living to long in its shadow
Its time to make it my life!


Well you guys what do you think? Be honest!!! I feel like I cant get the words "strong" enough to express the power of this dream. Don't feel like I'm getting through with the strength! Any ideas on how to make it more powerful? Thinking of a title like "The Dream"...???

"No more nightmares" would be a catchy title I think.
Courageous work, I'll read a few times and comment later!

first of all id like to say welcome and that you should be proud of your first effort on here and for having the courage to upload it, ive uploaded a few now but i still get nervous about showing people
i think you spelt month wrong in the first part but thats me been really stupidly picky
also i think the chorus has mostly the right words they just need to be jumbled about a bit maybe something like
"im gonna live my dream
not gonna waist this one chance
im gunna jump right in
coz this is my life"
this is just a suggestion feel free to disregard lol

Thank you,guys! Means a whole lot to me...
I like the suggestion on the Ch, trueperfectionisimperfect. Thanx! The spelling I'm not focusing on before the final draft...so bare with me on that on It will get there,but if you see wrong spelling in the end result...than PLEASE tell me



I wonder if any of you can give me some information on serious web pages etc. where you could get feedback (not that I don't appreciate the feedback her...I really do!!) I also would be greateful if you guys could tell me useful information where to be (on the web) Smart moves etc etc... As I wrote earlier, I'm new,and are really looking for some guidens and a helping hand
Anything you wanna share??? Thanx!!!

Hi!) Have a look under "Quick Navigation" (right hand downpage) and see what you like. There's a list of topics.
Lyrics Review and Poetry are,of course, the special threads for writers.
That's where you can also find the language threads, if you want to learn a special language; some are still active, others aren't.
Or you can ask for songlyrics ("Lyrics Requests"); If you're courageous enough and have time, of course, you can also translate songs/lyrics for others.
It all depends on your own interests, MissMay, so be welcome and take it easy! Enjoy!
On various peoples'walls (where you have your own profile) you'll also see that they follow Groups.
Speaking for myself I follow 4 different ones. Have a look, click on the group word and see, if you're interested.
"Songs in Progress" is a group where you can find lyrics unfinished and where you can ask for advice or let others follow how you're doing writing

By the way(BTW): Songs in Progress is under the Grouptitle "Singers,songwriters"

Well I've been working on the chores. Done some changes...what do you think? Better/worse/no progress???
Myself,I'm not completly satesfyed with the 3rd line...it may work with the right music,but I feel like I stumble on it...

What do you guys think?

I wanna change my future
Not gonna waist this one life
That’s been given to me
I must give it a chance,
cause this is my time
I'm gonna live my dream

Much better it is! Much clearer lines, compact thoughts. Straight forward.
I don't stumble on your third line at all.
Been singing it and didnot "loose my teeth"
If I come up with anything I'll tell you, but it's YOUR song/poem, remember?
Thanks, MissMay!

i agree with amaryn its good and flows really well doing well

This has a lot of potential and it's message spoke directly to me. Did you come up with "I've been living to long in the shadow of my dream" I was wondering because its similar to a line in a play. Just wondering where you gained your inspiration for this song.

Originally Posted by amaryn

Much better it is! Much clearer lines, compact thoughts. Straight forward.
I don't stumble on your third line at all.
Been singing it and didnot "loose my teeth"
If I come up with anything I'll tell you, but it's YOUR song/poem, remember?
Thanks, MissMay!

Thank you,amaryn! Know its my song,but as its my first one and I feel like I'm doing things I don't know how to do...if you know what I mean??!! Its VERY MUCH appreciated all the feed back I can get. I'm eager to learn more about writing and the music industry...maybe one day my work would be able to sell?? So Thank You!!!

Originally Posted by trueperfectionisimperfect

i agree with amaryn its good and flows really well doing well

Thank you so much! If you read what I have written to amaryn that also goes for you. Thank you soooo much for taking the time not to just read my song,but also to taking time to give me feedback... IT MEANS ALOT!!! Thanx!!!

Originally Posted by Johnb31

This has a lot of potential and it's message spoke directly to me. Did you come up with "I've been living to long in the shadow of my dream" I was wondering because its similar to a line in a play. Just wondering where you gained your inspiration for this song.

Thanx! I'm really looking for a text that hit people in their hearts and minds. Something that they can make their own...
Yes,I came up with that line,but if it has been used before I really don't know! Maybe/Maybe not...but it was not intended as a quote
You ask me where I gained my inspiration for this song...well...for this song I found it in me. I have always been dreaming about writing songs,but I have never been tough enough to try...because I've been terrified of falling hard on my bhind...but as the years has past I've realized that I just have to give it a try.This is a dream that won't make me happy,just being a dream! If you know what I mean?? So there's my inspiration for this song.

Hope you will keep on giving me feedback!

your more then welcome if this is just a start il be looking forward to your next songs :P

Well, you guys, now I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to "finishing" this song...
There is still a few words/lines I feel like I'm stumbling over...but I'm not telling you...I'll put you guys to the test Do you see the same as me? Tell me what you think? Suggestions are more then appreciated
If there is anyone that will help me put some music to this song,please let me know!!! Need both music and vocals

“The Dream”

Sitting here thinking about it…. again
been 6 mounts since I decided
to give it a try
But I'm still here doing nothing
More afraid then ever

I wanna change my future
Not gonna waist this one life
That’s been given to me
I must give it a chance,
‘Cause this is my time
I'm gonna live my dream

It’s so scary to me
should I just keep it a dream
inside my heart
or maybe I should quit those thoughts
and do what I still haven't done

I wanna change my future
Not gonna waist this one life
That’s been given to me
I must give it a chance,
‘Cause this is my time
I'm gonna live my dream

I can’t keep being afraid
Have to believe it’s gonna be alright
so much to gain
I've been living to long in its shadow
its time to make it my life

I wanna change my future
Not gonna waist this one life
That’s been given to me
I must give it a chance,
‘Cause this is my time
I'm gonna live my dream

how did you imagine it to be ?? i could make some basic chords for you if you want

Originally Posted by trueperfectionisimperfect

how did you imagine it to be ?? i could make some basic chords for you if you want

OMG that would be great! In my head its kinda country meets pop.