Falling to pieces

broken glass crushed on the floor stained with blood traces
ancient ash stored in crushed vases
past fears n demons from past cases
unleashed fast paces of conventional evil entwined in world races
chains that bar me from coursing in the wind
pains that cause it to brim of course its too grim..
cause it caused me believe it wasn't me for this dream
self esteem,i spit in its face when its grounding my cream..




[yeah...still on guys,ain't giving up:]

Too many attempts to just rhyme. Have meaning with your words. Nasty end rhymes and drops come from thought into the lyrics, or a pun. Maybe even delve into the end rhyme you're about to drop my rapping about it then skipping a line or two then end it. I told some other guy this but not EVERY line needs to rhyme. IF you want to do it like that, much like luda, to keep it from seeming childish try to make two words rhyme at the end of each line. Like just a random example instead of this: "I peregrinate on sidewalks with a nine on my side, lettin just laws fall and evil abide" Compared to: "I peregrinate on sidewalks with a nine on my side, lettin' just laws fall and evil signs abide." Just by adding a word it can create better flow, but in some instances it's worse you nee to also watch the syllable count.

thanx for the advice..though im comfortable rapping the verse given slow beats...its highly poetic and uses symbolism as the major style other than rhyme...first 4 bars reflect a troubled past life..the next 4 reflect the impact on the subject's life...the last bar is more of a resolution.I'm highly inspired by eminem and not luda...presently awaiting his upcoming album..however I'll try to check on the syllable count...

Em is into some MAD assonance and consonance.. he has mad flow too, never checked out his syllable count though.

i guess if one is able to bring out rhythm in his flow...its all that counts..

'chains that bar me from coursing in the wind

pains that cut my hope slim, I keep on going to where it's grim

my hope is my home but it's reaped where the flames leap

these effects lead me to believe it wasn't me for this dream

I can't hold on to my self esteem, it's like a wound that always bleeds'

Just a variance. Soundin good man.