her name..

Boy.jpg


her name..

Did it send itself off?

A boy happened to be around that time.
Searching frantically, when he finally grabbed hold
a pillar standing there seemingly midst it all
crying
drowning still of her name.

This is the tenth letter I wrote you
I just don't get it...please
contact me.

Fame comes as a faint flicker
then disappears, just as her name
was not real but something you'd love.

I was out, watching
constantly and every drop fell
believing and it did seem to appear once.
Her name, a pillar midst the rain.

That I sing for them, mother

Abesse, fly

another letter.

I shouted out her name once more
but all was dead
nor reply as I spoke in abyss

drowning still of her name..

Eccer, this is excellente!!! I so much love your turns of phrase in poetry ("drowning still of her name," "her name a pillar midst the rain"). These are truly beautiful lines. "HER NAME" is lovely poem that immediately appeals to those aesthetics of which we are sometimes unaware, but know when they are fulfilled! Such a satisfying poem. Very good job. Are you sure you're not 19th-century English???

Thanks! I didn't expect this reaction to be honest!

When I first wrote this, I felt really good about it, and I got the chills out of it (my own egotistical orgasms). But then the next day came, and I felt it was kinda vague? So let me ask you, does it lack imagery? Is there something else besides that could be improved? As for being 19th-century english, haha. Well I was born in 1990. So yes!

Dear Eccer, for me this is not lacking in imagery. I "saw" the imagery well! Now as for vague, yes, a little. However, I took that as part of the mystery of the poem. The reader seems not meant to have a full understanding of the writer's experience; rather, the reader seems meant to be the observer of very deeply felt emotions of the writer to "her name." The amount of vagueness in the poem did not hinder my experience of it at all. Any vagueness there only makes stand out "her name" as more of a pillar (your imagery!). The reader knows not the reasons why "her name" came to mean so much; just that it does mean the world and all to the writer. So, the "vagueness" to which you refer makes your theme (her name) WORK!

I am looking for suggestions to give you, but only find very minor things. E.g.,

Fame comes as a faint flicker
then disappears, just as her name
not real but something you'd love.

I would only make a more clear punctuation break between the 2nd and 3rd lines: Either a comma after "her name" or more emphatic a dash (--) to break the separate but related thoughts. Personally, I prefer the dash.

nor reply as I spoke in abyss

I would re-phrase "as I spoke in/into the abyss." However, Eccer, you no doubt detect how very minor a change this is; perhaps you do not wish to change it. Because you specifically asked, I wanted to help--as you see, these are hardly detectable changes.

The "pillar" of "her name" (indicating her strength) and the "drowning" of the writer in "her name" (made weak or hurt, in whatever way by her name) make two very different--yet appropriate--imageries. Well done!

hmm good suggestions there. I added "was" and skipped the (--) dash, which I think gave it better flow. As for the "into the abyss" part, I will have to consider it. The intention was to break of the regular "as I spoke into the abyss" and give more room for thought if you get what I mean? But perhaps it works that way as well, I don't know to be honest.


Edit: What I didn't notice myself is, that this seems to continue in an endless spiral for her name. That's kinda cool... lol

Originally Posted by Eccer

hmm good suggestions there. I added "was" and skipped the (--) dash, which I think gave it better flow.

Well done! Much better solution for a poem than my suggestion.

Originally Posted by Eccer

As for the "into the abyss" part, I will have to consider it. The intention was to break of the regular "as I spoke into the abyss" and give more room for thought if you get what I mean? But perhaps it works that way as well, I don't know to be honest.

Yes, I get that. As mentioned these were very minor things--I could find no wrong with this poem!!

Originally Posted by Eccer

Edit: What I didn't notice myself is, that this seems to continue in an endless spiral for her name. That's kinda cool... lol

Very cool...

Read your poem- and rereading it many a tme.
I see your point of fearing vagueness, but that's in my opinion because of the language you use.
It has an uncommon beautiful touch, not used in daily speech, but nonetheless excellent.
Indeed the lines Frankie pointed out have that graceful splendour only some people know to use: never too much, never too little.
You are one of those indeed.
Thank you for a fascinating job!

Thanks amaryn, I gave it a new font which I really think gives it that...edge...y'know?

"Fame comes as a faint flicker"..........one of the best lines I've read in a loooooooong time!You've got your own style,I'm just starting to both understand and appreciate it!Well done!

It's not about having a particular style, or that I am "one" of those few that knows how to use lines like that. Everyone can do that, with enough practice.

As I think, it's all about just doing it and keep evolving yourself until you find new opportunities to go where you feel most comfortable in. If I force my poems/lyrics, I'll know that it won't be that well received.

Don't walk in circles people... just a tip of advice


And I am glad you liked it Doug, I've been trying to open up a little just to let those feels out

Originally Posted by Eccer

Don't walk in circles people... just a tip of advice

Eccer, what do you mean by this expression? Does it mean repetitiveness?? Sorry I don't get it. Yet, "walking in circles" in the sense you are meaning sounds like something I'd like to avoid doing!

Oh haha, I guess that's what I meant yes. Be progressive yo!

No but, I think the majority of lyrics/poems sites suffers from lack of real critic. If you are given continuous thanks and likes, you will eventually start to believe your pieces are beyond amazing every time, when in reality. If you put it up elsewhere, people will say otherwise y'know? And that's kinda the bone cold truth, a discipline everyone should undergo sometime. (not always but you get that!) But don't take that wrong. Optimism and encouragement is great, especially for wanting to keep going. But people get so easily scared when they show off feelings on public display. So a scaredy cat, with heaps of talent might vanish just like that.