Need help making a line less cheesy!

Thread: Need help making a line less cheesy!

Tags: help writing lyrics
  1. Alex Pilkevych said:

    Question Need help making a line less cheesy!

    Hello, guys! In one of my songs there's this verse:

    "Your values are worthless
    You parasite on the last
    Alive edge of the universe"

    And I think that the last two lines do not sound right. Maybe you could suggest some changes.
    (the idea of this verse is critique of mankind spending it's days worrying about things that do not matter and destroying it's environment)

    Thanks for help!
     
  2. coral834's Avatar

    coral834 said:

    Default

    how about...

    i close my eyes and cry, your values are worthless
    like a parasite, i wander and wonder are you alive
    am i dreaming on the edge, is this universe dead
    mankind can try, but earth will fly, leaving us alone in the wind

    hope that helps brother it s the best i could do on the fly
     
  3. Peter Both said:

    Default

    Your so called values are so damn worthless
    Your callous actions just plain thoughtless
    You're nothing but human locust
    Your golden days have turned to rust
    And things will change from bad to worse
    Drifting across the universe

    Just an idea. Hope it makes sense.
    Last edited by Peter Both; 12-24-2013 at 04:49 PM.
     
  4. Justin Sylver's Avatar

    Justin Sylver said:

    Default

    I'm assuming you're fine with the lyrics being a little heavy given the topic.

    Values as worthless as the thoughts put into them
    Let what's rotten remain rotten
    Slowly eating away at the chances of survival
    A trivial choice and a forgotten memorial

    But worry not, for fresh air is only a grasp away
    Cast out the fear of things you can't anticipate

    I threw in the last two lines as a possible pre-chorus.