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  1. #1
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    Default non-native scraps

    hi, i'm new here. english is not my native language. Im interested in writing so much but i need some help.
    I have problems with my grammar sometimes and I want to work on it. thats why i registered here. I'll post some of my lyrics here and hope there is some good man who could say just "wrong" or " correct" or just a "sh*t"


    i feel the world is not enough
    unawareness brings me out in huff it's really ****ed up
    i think my mind is corrupt and life is a trap
    with no way out I try and try but can't wake up
    we tied by lies drowned in pointless struggle
    greed blinds our eyes it's like never ending battle
    vital flame fades in rain puddle
    jeleausy pumps our veins we miss the light in tunnel

    i'm hollowed out
    human hologram
    spirit cursed till
    twenty first hollowed gram


    i dont know i think it sounds bad
    Last edited by immortall; 11-24-2014 at 05:46 PM.

  2. #2
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    It doesn't sound bad but I would clean it up a Lil bit. Maybe have added a couple of words. Probably spaced it out so you can get the flow of it. But other than that it's it's good. Oh jeleausy is spelled "jealousy" pumps our ....

  3. #3
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    thanks man that's what i wanted to hear. Don't worry about my flow I can get it very well here. I found my new hobby guys. I used to rap in my native language but i have never tried sth like that. I think it's very helpful to me. it's far more interesting way to learn the language than sitting in classroom and reading boring books.
    and more lyrics:

    my music is a funeral march for u sarge
    I'm a depth charge I'll help u pass through renewal arch
    I spit on parsons feel like I'm big sick marksman
    quick arson that's how i kill slick martians
    I kicked their all squadrons I think u need a pardon
    dig deep weep prick I'm the hardest
    I sweep like the smartest king guard of all guardians

    i'm hollowed out human hologram
    my spirit is cursed till twenty first hollowed gram
    i never thought that i'd change my course
    sometimes i feel like very much older than a dinosaur
    i see u drowned in forms and how u follow norms
    life trap life patterns society's laws
    i'm filled with mental riot i'm underrated lion
    but i'll sit quiet till i finish vegan diet
    i need the therapist i'm deeply wounded
    sick wrote one letter list expect big movement
    i'm white psychopath all filled with tension
    across my cycle path and prepare for revenging
    i'm wicked with facts distort, creepy acts of war
    i spit rap and eat wacks feel cracking bones
    quick drop some bombs flit like a drone
    do not flout my words or quit and shut the door

    while my physical's stuck on the earth
    mind in another universe old spirit gets left
    we celebrate life we celebrate death
    old blood to new breath it's the day of rebirth
    I'm trapped in anatomy thoughts shape the reality
    brain on another plane insane mentality
    beyond plain being lane there is the secret of immortality
    experience chain lost in life and death cyclicality
    legions closed in their prisons
    lost beyond regions of logic and reason
    we ruled by creepy and fat bad demons
    greedy for bread mad pigeons
    what is sad is growing widespread sense of divisions
    Last edited by immortall; 11-26-2014 at 07:39 PM.

  4. #4
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    someone between a king and nobody
    hell bent on moving up rejected socially
    fck everyone it's gonna be alright
    fck everything we all gonna die i'm
    lost in society bound with heavy fetter
    unknown diary of a real go-getter
    don't worry grannie im not a drowning debtor
    i still wear your funny hand sewn sunny sweater
    it's all tangled up in some mangled trap
    flat broke but i'm rapt on high i'm flying
    i'm going out of mind i know that i've been blind
    i used to waste much time but now it's fine

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