Stained

Thread: Stained

Tags: None
  1. farnum said:

    Default Stained

    This skin.
    A shell and empty void
    It's all that's left, and all I feel
    Emotionally destroyed

    This carcass.
    Bones bleached white by sun
    Nothing left but skeletons,
    You're just another one.

    All that's left is desiccated
    Another life's been devastated
    By inner strength overestimated
    Emotions forever stained

    This husk.
    Its all that's left to see
    You see it's cracks, and watch it crumble
    There's nothing left of me

    All that's left is dessicated
    Another life's been devastated
    By inner strength overestimated
    Emotions forever stained

    I don't know if I can come back
    With a heart that's crushed and black
    Sanity about to crack
    I'm forever stained

    All that's left is dessicated
    Another life's been devastated
    By inner strength overestimated
    Emotions forever stained

    I'm forever stained



    *edited based on feedback and consideration
    Last edited by farnum; 01-12-2015 at 02:31 AM.
     
  2. +Technist Barrier-'s Avatar

    +Technist Barrier- said:

    Default

    +I see that you have kept up with the 'awesome title' and 'wide vocabulary' aspect in your third lyric.

    Maybe you should consider revising the "Nothing left but skeletons, stripped clean of everything" in the second verse. It is kind of long compared to the others. Maybe put "You're just another one" somewhere else and replace it with "stripped clean of everything"
    That was my only suggestion.

    I am amazed by your good lyrics.-
    +To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all.>A.France
    Oh yeah, I forgot, and always expect the unexpected. -
     
  3. farnum said:

    Default

    I was trying something new. I guess what I had in my head doesnt really come across in a post. I was reading every third verse line at a faster pace than the rest. This is just a first draft though. Changes will happen and I'll keep your thoughts in mind when they do. Thanks for the feedback!
     
  4. Kerri Faye Yates's Avatar

    Kerri Faye Yates said:

    Default

    There is some really great imagery in this piece.
    ~Kerri Faye