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  1. #1
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    Default What do you think about my lyrics

    Hello

    I wonder if somebody could help me to checkout out the lyrics I wrote for an original song.
    Mostly Im concerned about if it is "correct" english or if I use some sentence in the wrong way.
    Thanks.

    Summer is over today
    Tomorrow will be rain
    I wonder why you don't play
    I see you feel the pain

    You know it's only a game
    Dont feel no shame
    If I ruled the world and got a couple of wings
    Maybe I could fly

    There is a shadow always
    It follows all my steps
    I think I'll find it some day
    Will put it in my veins

    I think you look the same
    You never change
    Look I found a time machine let's take a trip
    Maybe till the sky

    For every step you go back
    You gonna be more young
    You didn't know at those days
    That you could lend some lung

    The gate has yet not closed
    Let's get inside
    If I owned a magic wand I would take you back
    Only for a while

    If I told you I can fly tonight
    Would you like to spend some time in paradise
    Hidden in the clouds over the rainbow

    Turn around and put your hand in mine
    Looking deeply into your eyes it's paradise
    Flying through the sky
    You don't need to be afraid you won't fall that's paradise

  2. #2
    Junior Member Emilie Turner's Avatar
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    very deep lyrics..but anyway in some lines I could notice features of free verse. Interesting combination)

  3. #3
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    well, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, 'but' it just reads like a load of mubo jumbo nothing makes sence, there's not even a story to follow here, go back to the drawing board gstrindberg! I'm sorry but I'm not into patronizing anybody but in all honesty it's pretty awful. I'm not out to hurt your feelings thats why I think honesty and truthfulness is the only way forward and to learn better methods of writing.

    jb

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by jony bek View Post
    well, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, 'but' it just reads like a load of mubo jumbo nothing makes sence, there's not even a story to follow here, go back to the drawing board gstrindberg! I'm sorry but I'm not into patronizing anybody but in all honesty it's pretty awful. I'm not out to hurt your feelings thats why I think honesty and truthfulness is the only way forward and to learn better methods of writing.

    jb
    Hi jony bek. I appreciate your comment and honesty and you are actually not hurting my feelings at all as Im aware of my limited knowledges in the english language, which of course is not my primary language.

    However, as this text has been written to be sung in a song, to me its not important at all if the message is clear. Even if I write a song lyrics in my own language I usually avoid to write things that are easy to understand. It's not a plot. Its then about to the listener to try to analyse it and try to understand the message, discover what the author really meant to say.

    My real concern is about the usage of the language itself.
    Am I writing things, lines, that make sense? Are they correct according to the grammar rule of the language?
    You get the point?
    For example, Im not interested in writing a song that sounds like this:

    "Yesterday I went to the beach, and I meet that girl. And we made love in my hotel room. And then during the night she stole my pocket. What an idiot I was!"

    The lyrics, the song, is about memories. There is a meaning, espacially for the author. Primarly for him.
    My concern was about discovering if there are "errors" like (let me exaggerate):

    Yestarday I *go* to the beach and she *are* waiting to me.

    Regards

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