first post

it needs alot of work on it but anyone willing to help please tell me because id really be greatful


I was somewhat surprised
By the charlatans clampdown
Tied with ropes
Receiving a request
From management

To join the club
Detoxify my soul
There hungry wit
Beckons me to follow

I’m no sheep to your lies
Was trying not to bite back

But you’re so hypocritical
You break all the rules when
No one is looking

To join the club
Detoxify my soul
There hungry wit
Beckons me to follow

Swallow your trash
Drink your disgrace

Dance in the mud
Just to mess your car
Just to ruin your suit

No thank you I don’t want your type
Not in my life and not at this time

In general, this lyrics is rather good.
Your main concern is the rhytm.
The rhytm followed in the first chorus seems to fall out of
place with the rhytm followed in the rest of this lyric.
Thats why, when reading it without music, it seems to be
harder to read. However on music, this might work.
And that is the most important thing.

what do you sugest i should with the lyrics

Hi there I think you're lyrics are really good, I also agree with psychotica, I think that maybe just with some of your lines shorten them so that it's short and punchy and with more impact as most of your lines are quite short. So for example just drop the 'By' out of this line 'By the charlatans clampdown', your 'I’m no sheep to your lies, Was trying not to bite back' maybe change it so it's more lines, to I am no sheep, to your lies, Trying not too bite back. I'd maybe change the 'But you’re so hypocritical, You break all the rules when, No one is looking' to You're so hypocritical, You break all rules, When noone's looking, and maybe the 'No thank you I don’t want your type, Not in my life and not at this time' change this to be more lines again so the'yre shorter for more of an impact maybe like No thank you, I don't want youo're type, Not in my life, Not this time. I know these changes aren't big but I think that maybe they'd help, however this is just my opinion I could be completely wrong! The lyric are really good just maybe need a bit of tweaking! Hope I've helped!

Originally Posted by joshido

what do you sugest i should with the lyrics

The trick to getting lyrics to flow in time is in the number of syllables per line plus rhyme.

(This might mean a bit of a rewrite. A good link to synonyms and antonyms is always real handy: ANTONYM Finder and SYNONYM Thesaurus -- Synonyms and definitions for English words! So is a rhyming dictionary: RhymeZone rhyming dictionary and thesaurus)

But this is not to say that all lyrics must rhyme.