plz rate this...

i know no one will reply (like all the other post) but w/e
I wrote this AND made tabs for it, all you need to know is that it needs reviseing and a name, so if its sloppy... thats my fault...

here you go...

Ive been beaten down,
broken and scared...
the pain of it all,
to hear my call,
begining to fall,
away from you all.

all my life,
world holding me down
just kill me and..
Just let me fall..
let me fall away,
(fall away)
away from you
Just away from you

can you Feel your heart burst

can you hear my heart curse

can you hear my life lurch
away from you

Ive been beaten down,
broken, and drowned,
and im still on the ground,
and now im...
away from you
gone away...
gone away from you

I can hear your heart burst

I can hear my heart curse

I can see your tears fall
away from you

Mind over heart...
i know thats not smart..
years pass by..and yet...

im still on the ground,
and im...
still away from you
Still gone away...
Still gone away from you

I know.. "i was wrong"
you know how i was... way back then...
falling away...
falling away From you!

please... just let me fall..
let me fall...
Fall right back to you
Just Right back to you
falling only for you
just for you
Just right back for you

Wow.. I like this a lot, it seems so... Desperate (for lack of a better word), but at the same time it feels like you (at least in the lyrics) is giving up...
It's kind of sad, but at same time so angry... It's really emotional and... brilliant
I would give this a 7 or 8 on a scale from 0 to 10

cool, thx for the feedback, i've been writing for maybe a year or two, this is just one of many songs i have in my little black notebook
i'll post some more in a few days...(hopefully if my writers block will let me)
thx again Insettled & Korny

Wow I really like that, very emotional. The tempo and beat came easily to me.

Cool cant wait to read more of your lyrics

thx guys, the only thing is it takes me a wile to write something im happy with...
P.S. Unsettled & koRny, you want to hear some of my other work? here are a few that im STILL not done with kinda havent even changed them... they are on here but here they are again!
(and yes, i drew my avitar)

this world is a mystery
so much left to see
dark times cloud my mind (my mind) (my mind)

Im Hiding inside!
My Mind you cant find!
Just Trying to find shelter!

*distorted*
Im gone inside,
i dont know how to find,
those things ive lost inside...
*distorted-over*

this world is a mystery
so much left to see
dark times cloud my life (my life) (my life)

Im Hiding inside!
My Mind you cant find!
Just Trying to find shelter...
I wont die!

*distorted*
i think i can find,
those things i lost inside,
all i need is this vail,
*distorted-over*

lifted from my mind!

this world was a mystery---
theres no more left to see---
dark times try to cloud my mind (my mind) (my life)
I push them aside!

To be honest, the last text wasn't quite as good, but, as you said, it isn't finished yet. I'm not quite eloquent enough to write my exact thoughts, but it lacks the emotions the first one had, still it's better than what I've done, so I would give it a 6 on the famous scale of 0-10 (for now, mind you)
Perhaps with a bit work it might become better than the first
I think you should try to tell us (the listeners) more about what this is all about, so it will have a bit more effect in it's pure text form.

There's something there, in the words, a fight against some inner problems, a confusion of sorts, but I think it needs to be more 'obvious' for those of us (me included) who are not really great analytics (if that's a real word )

Whew... that was a long one, hope it makes sense to you, if not... Then tell me

well, if you want to know the reson behind my writing... it would be about my life, my thoughts, experiances, deaths, births, any thing that happens to me i just put on paper and store away. i have copys so that in 10 years i can look back and remember what i felt and why i felt that way... the first one is about my relation ship with my Girl Friend, (amy) we have basicly drifted apart over the years.... the second one was just about the feeling of being lost in the woods, lol, see... i got lost in the woods behind my house for like two days...
and it was so crazy... i bet i'll look back on that in 10 years and laugh my *** off.... so there you go...
a bit long and i still only touched the subjects...

also, if you wanna see my 1st songs here u go
http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/ly...tml#post265331

Hmm... not quite what I meant but, still

I meant that the text itself needs to make itself more obvious, but I think I've had a change of heart about that tip anyways.... I know, it's a bit strange, but I read the second one again, and now, it seems better actually. I guess it's one of those texts everybody get a different opinion about. I would re-rate it to a 7 now, still not a text I relate to in the same way (I can't help it, I'm a bit biased) as the first, but from a technical point of view, this song is very well written, at least as far as I can see... Not my primary language this, you see

And by the way, I looked at your first songs... Nice, I like those kind of lyrics.
Anyways, keep on writing, good luck to you!

I think the textes are pretty good, but I kinda miss some diversity. It's all dark and doomsaying all along, and don't get me wrong, I like that, but should should try putting some lines of improvement in it, and after that go back to beeing down, it will make the doom jump more out of it. You prolly don't understand what I mean, but I just feel like I contribute something

oh PS one last thing, I think you should remove the exclamation marks. Your lines just alone should create the mood, not the marks behind it.

i think i know what you mean... i'll try it =) and srry for being gone for so long but im just so busy at school lately... im going to start a song tomorow i think... i wanted to make one today but i couldnt get going... anyway, im going to chage my pic again lol

pretty impresiv i like your lyrics good work