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Thread: First Lyrics

  1. #1
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    Default First Lyrics

    This is my first real attempt at writing lyrics. These lyrics are designed for the psychadelic band I'm currently involved in, which up until now has been instrumental. The lyrics are based on a short sci-fi story I wrote, and I've included a short synopsis below to hopefully help put the lyrics in perspective.

    There's a scientist. He's feeling pretty bitter about his personal life and just the general state of things on Earth. As far as he's concerned, people are walking around in their own little dream worlds, oblivious to the pain and suffering that surrounds them. However, he does hold out some hope that things might be better in the afterlife than they are on Earth. So he builds a machine designed to blow up the Sun, which will then expand and envelope the Earth and take everyone to whatever afterlife there might be. So, the scientist launches the machine towards the sun, and is initially pretty happy about doing it. However, when the machine reaches the Sun and detonates, the scientist recognizes all the beauty that surrounds him and wishes he could stop it. However, he's too late to save the Earth from incineration. The scientist spends his last moments regretting what he did, wishing it were just a dream.

    Here are the lyrics. Constructive critiscism and ideas for improvement are welcome and appreciatted. Thanks.

    We’re all living in a dream
    And no one knows quite what it means
    So what’s the point of dreaming?
    So what’s the point of dreaming anymore?

    Waking from a dream, on blue and green
    Another blow, the things you know
    A fatal scene, with a machine
    The sun will sympathetically explode
    Mercifully explode

    Cuts marked in the ground, red on brown
    The sound resounds, it’s all around
    A steady hum, to marching drums
    Going round and round and round
    But no one makes a sound

    Flashing through the trees, in golden green
    With a machine, the end of things
    You never know, quite where it goes
    And is it ever really over?
    No it’s never really over

    Red and white collide to sink the sun
    I want it now but now it’s done
    And what’s the point in dying
    If only I were dreaming…

  2. #2
    Member Silverhowl's Avatar
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    I like your lyrics, they are deep ^^ keep it up
    When the fullmoon rises and i fall to all four, back off or i might bite
    -------------
    anyone wanna take me for a walk?

  3. #3
    aic2002
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    sweet lyrics man, keep up the god work, real cool ****

  4. #4
    Senior Member Krent_Calstro777's Avatar
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    sweet, it's deep but somewhat pure too unlike my lyric, their a little lusty lol but i believe your lyric is unpolished, so you can crate it to be developed though. anyway it really good
    Damning Reficul: Song is like singing from the light whilst the emotions can be so raw from the darkness.

  5. #5
    Senior Member SpudMunky's Avatar
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    Hi there! Those lyrics are really good, I love the use of colours providing good imagery for the reader/listener, and the rhyming system through it is good giving it good rhythm! I really like this it's good!
    Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?

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    SpudMunky brought up a good point in your use of colours to create imagery, and really thats what this kind of lyric is all about. Its fantastic work for your first attempt, very clear stylistically, which is hard to nail down at the beginning.

    I'm not too sure what to say in terms of suggestions, its pretty solid.

    "I want it now but now it’s done" - This line seems back to front, shouldn't the scientist be saying "I dont want this now"?

    I think its wicked for a a psychedelic band. Good work man.

  7. #7
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    Talking -

    very nice lyrics!



    (im new to this forum site so please review my lyrics)

  8. #8
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    not what id normally write/listen to but i respect ur skills. its fits ur theme well. to be constructive, id complicate the rhymes to add more of a natural rhythm, but overall

  9. #9
    Member Acheramee's Avatar
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    I really like this part:
    "Flashing through the trees, in golden green
    With a machine, the end of things"

    And this part:
    "Red and white collide to sink the sun
    I want it now but now it’s done"

    As everyone else is saying the lyrics are really deep. But I kind of lean towards the brain teasers. It's good. It makes you think.I like that. So many songs nowadays are co cliche' and teen wannabe, it's ridiculous.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Krent_Calstro777's Avatar
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    I second that Notion. only i wish it can be longer, i feel i can read it for days lol
    Damning Reficul: Song is like singing from the light whilst the emotions can be so raw from the darkness.

  11. #11
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    I really liked them, especially the first verse. Good job. (:

  12. #12
    Senior Member ShadowLeeSharp's Avatar
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    This is my 3rd time reading the lyrics x)
    It's awesome keep it up!!
    ImTheBaby of ATL! FearMe, RawR!!
    -This Shadow is like a homeless puppy. She'll love you in seconds. And she'll still love you no matter what even though you hurt her so badly-

  13. #13
    Senior Member Doug Denslowe's Avatar
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    Very good,especially if it's your first song/poem.My only suggestion is to make sure of the rhythm of the words and verse.If it's to be sung,I suggest you make the lyrics rime each time the verse ends.You have to make it sound like the words are to be sung together.

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