Happy Birthday Darling.

Thread: Happy Birthday Darling.

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  1. Trends_&_Makebelieve said:

    Default Happy Birthday Darling.

    Happy Birthday darling
    sweet 17, sweet 17
    I still remember the sweet taste in your 16
    I still remember, honey, I still remember
    But now the bitter taste of tears washes my mind blank
    I’m broken down and a chords dangling on the table
    a dead dial tone on the other end
    well happy birthday sweet heart
    I tried to reach you but you were out, you weren’t around
    You didn’t reply when I put my heart on the line
    hanging out there, the wind picks it up, the rain finds the gaps
    like a storm it swells with the rage I feel inside and there's thunder in my eyes.
    Your words, the sorrow of my soul,
    left a hole in the middle of my chest
    ripped out all I had to give and all that was left of me
    was thrown aside like a song you couldnt finish.
    Sorry I couldnt be the one to make your heart jump
    I’m a goddamn failure, cant follow through with anything
    I’m a failure, can’t seem to even catch you
    I’m a failure, I’m a failure.
    I failed. So sorry darling I failed you.
    Last edited by Trends_&_Makebelieve; 05-10-2008 at 10:11 PM.
    ~Dream to make believe~
     
  2. atmaestro's Avatar

    atmaestro said:

    Default

    Excellent poem.
    I immediately wanted to reach out to comfort the poem's main character.

    Suggested changes follow:

    I still remember the sweet taste in your 16
    I still remember, honey, I still remember
    But now the bitter taste of tears washes my mind blank

    hanging out there, the wind picks it up, the rain finds the gaps
    like a storm it swells with the rage I feel inside and there's thunder in my eyes.

    Your words, the sorrow of my soul,
    left a hole in the middle of my chest
    ripped out all I had to give and all that was left of me
    was thrown aside like a song you couldnt finish.
    Last edited by atmaestro; 05-15-2008 at 10:27 AM.
    Them that can, do; them that can't... memorize Artist and Title
     
  3. Trends_&_Makebelieve said:

    Default

    Haha thanks for that =]
    I changed it, cause well yours did seem to make it flow better.
    I appreciate it =D
    ~Dream to make believe~
     
  4. Tracy-Turnblad's Avatar

    Tracy-Turnblad said:

    Default

    you have some great lines in there!