a vision of perfection

hey, thanks for reviewing my lyrics.
well, i am a fifteen year old song writer that is new to this site
and i'm hoping to get some advice to make my creations even better.
i have an appointment to record this song in two weeks,
so i'm trying to get it to its absolute very best before then
so suggestions would be appreciated a ton!

anyway, here it goes

A Vision of Perfection
written for my best friend, jasey


[verse one]
and so her story opens again
a girl's left sinking inside but trying to swim
starving from truth and throwing up lies
the pain pours out her sorry eyes
a secret attempt to be thin

[course]
she must've gotten lost in a vision of perfection
if beauty is pain shes in the right direction
shes left behind her the purity of youth
to find such beauty in self abuse

[verse two]
what does she see when she looks in the mirror
distorted picture slowly become clear
as pounds fade yet bones appear
the mother's heart brake her father's fear

[course]
she must've gotten lost in a vision of perfection
if beauty is pain shes in the right direction
shes left behind her the purity of youth
to find such beauty in self abuse

[bridge]
why cant she see
what shes doing to herself
all she wants to be
is harmful to her health
watching her bend
watching her break
its tearing me apart
a scar i cant erase

[final verse]
yet she stays in this broken state of mind
starving from truth and throwing up lies
while purity is gained its nutrition she lacks
she forgets all the lectures shes heard in the past
a painful consequence has yet to appear
for the flawless tragedy of freshman year

This is really good. I like the message and story it tells about Beliema...(Can't spell worth crap so work with me xD) I also like the corus and the style of poetry you use to potray the way the story is being told. The classical rythmic and rhyme style is really cool so write some more cause your good at it!!!

haha i'm glad you like it
thanks for the comment!

The verses have one line too many for it to scan

and it's chorus, not course

they're very good

In my opinion, you should use a metaphor and not be so direct with the message.

haha thank you jester.
i appreciate your reply.
fortunatly i wont have to spell out the song when i record it.!

&hellbells also thanks for your oppinion.
for the particular person that inspired me,
i thought it was far better to get the message straight through
instead of beating around the bush.
[im not sure if thats how the expression goes....]


& thank you as well nacho!

wow. I think if that song is sang well (which it probably will because it came from the heart) it should be put on the web for everyone to hear. Maybe it could start a bulimia awareness program. I love it when people make good lyrics straight from the heart. Great job smileforme_emily. If you could can you post up the full song when you have it recorded?

thanks, seaserpant..
it truly did come from the heart...
and i appreciate you seeing that.
id love to put it up for you guys to hear
but i have no idea how to put it on the site!

I think you can by going down to the bottom of the page (In post reply) and find manage attachments, click on it and put in the song. But i don't know if it would work, but i will try to put a song up for you to hear.

awesome..
ill try it after its recorded.!
haah i already have a few videos that i give to record companies...
maybe ill post one of them if its possible...