Hi I just signed up

I have written a few songs in the past year. They all probably stink but thats for you to decide. i might as well start with the song i like best, (that i wrote):

HEARTBROKEN


CHORUS
She leaves me heartbroken,
though she's so soft spoken.
Heartbroken, mmm, heartbroken,
and my heart is split in two.

VERSE
I see this girl, she looks so fine,
just her hair looks so divine.
Look at her legs, slender and sleek,
i just can't believe she's so bleak.

CHORUS
She leaves me heartbroken
though she's so soft spoken.
Heartbroken, mmm, heartbroken,
and my heart is split in two.

VERSE
She has me rapped around her finger,
She hold me their and let me linger.
Walking toward me, then to the side,
looking around it's another guy.

CHORUS
She leaves me heartbroken
though she's so soft spoken.
Heartbroken, mmm, heartbroken,
and my heart is split in two.

VERSE
I try writing a romantic poem,
But it just seems to make her moan.
Your hair is as luscious as the moon,
it sort of makes her kind of swoon.

CHORUS
She leaves me heartbroken
though she's so soft spoken.
Heartbroken, mmm, heartbroken,
and my heart is split in two.

VERSE
She's left me hanging, wanting more,
I love her so, just love her so,
But she's just so ready to let me go go go,
She's just so ready to let me go go go.

Well look at that. i looked for the songs i wrote and i can't find anymore. > I guess with your guyses help i'll write some ones that are worthy for this site

Each line rymes with the one after it... Kinda makes it sound amateur...

lol. Thats exactly what i am. Thanks for the review. can anyone tell me what i can do to improve it?

Okay i will edit the top post and add all of the songs i wrote. (warning they all need revision).

hmmm... not sure.
How about htis chorus,
she leaves me heartbroken
words unspoken
things I need to need to say
heartbroken
Cuz she won't listen
But it doesn't mater anyway
I'm not good enough for her

its a good start, my friend.!
it just needs some revising..
i like what tracey-turnbald wrote.

wow Tracey, i loved that. I will change it a bit to fit into my words but definetly gonna be in there. As for how i'm going to sing it out, i'm still plunking on the piano. How should i change the verses so that they don't rhyme every time. (sorry no pun intended). and i want to change the third and last verse. i will get to that (in a bit)

Thanks! I had thought of how to sing it out, but I won't be able to explain it... awww sweet niblets! That's annoying me know cuz i've got an awesome tune! I would post it on youtube but I sing like a choking walrus...

i'll work on the last verse, makin' me bakin'!?!?! you mean making bacon? making you baking hot? making you bake cakes? she's making and baking things? oh never mind! it's OK, I write stuff like that too, I wrote 'pops like a mop' I don't even know what I was on about!

lol. Finally someone knows that we don't always know what we mean in our lyrics. (i think i mean baking HOT), bah no one sings as bad as a walrus! you can post it up on youtube as humming if you want. i'm dieing to here.

Well I don't have a video camera or a youtube account...

hold your nose and sing in a really deep voice, that'swaht I sing like. It just soundslike that,I don't actually dothat when i'm singing!

maybe I couldvideoon my phone but I won'tput myself in the video, so you can just hear it. I could send it in a private message on here.

That'd be great Tracy turnblad, i am still thinking on those two verses. i want them to sound less rhymey/totally different. Can somebody give me a suggestion of what to do?

http://www.allthelyrics.com/forum/ly...tml#post376009

question! why did you post that?